DEAR ABBY: My mother loves exchanging gifts and spends a lot of time and energy choosing and elaborately wrapping items for all the members of our family. She’s also retired and living on a limited, fixed income.
She showers me and my kids with expensive things at holidays, but then almost immediately hits me up for cash because she’s broke.
I’ve gotten into the habit of returning as many of her gifts as I can and banking the money for when she needs it back. She found me out and gets really angry when I do this. At the same time, she’s unwilling to scale back her spending. She sees these as completely separate issues.
I can’t refuse her the money because she wouldn’t be able to pay for rent or groceries.
How do I get her to understand that the most precious gift she could give would be to stay within her means, and I’d rather not have to pay her back for things she buys us?
— NO MORE GIFTS
DEAR NO MORE: If telling your mother to stop giving you gifts has been unsuccessful, you are not going to change her. This is who she is. Accept that.
My recommendation would be to continue dealing with this issue as you have, regardless of the inconvenience, and suggest to your mother that, if she is able, she should look for a part-time job so she will have more disposable income.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is battling cancer. He has good days and bad days. He is not at the end, but he can no longer do a lot of things for himself.
At this point, we are very busy with doctors and treatments. We have 14 medical treatments this month alone.
His children want to visit from out of town frequently. Of course they want to see their dad, and I understand. However, how can I moderate the visits graciously without discouraging them so the additional responsibilities don’t wear me out?
I have tried setting some limits, and some of them pay attention to what I say. However, one “child” (age 50) doesn’t listen. They come to town and want to spend all day with Dad. I have to provide meals, snacks, beverages and attempt to monitor my husband’s rest time as well as my own.
I have tried limiting the number of days, but I am ignored.
The last time, my husband and I suggested four days instead of seven, but we were ignored. Now, this child wants to come for a month. Help, please.
— CARETAKER IN UTAH
DEAR CARETAKER: That this “child” would ignore not only your wishes but also their father’s is terrible.
I’m sorry you didn’t mention where this person stays when they visit, but it should not be in your home. They should stay at a hotel or motel and they, not you, should be responsible for their meals.
Your husband can help with this to some degree. When he’s tired and needs to rest, he should be willing to tell his child it’s time to go. This child should also be willing to lend a hand wherever it’s needed, including shopping for groceries, doing laundry and taking Dad to medical appointments so you can rest.
Drawing the line isn’t easy, but once it’s done, you will both be glad you did.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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