DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband was invited to go out of town for a “boys weekend” with a couple of his old friends. When he arrived, he was greeted not only by his friends, but also their wives.
Our kids called him several hours after he had arrived, and that is when I discovered that the “boys weekend” was actually a couples’ weekend — sans me.
My husband said that the host and hostess did not invite me as we have young kids, and they knew that we did not have anybody to watch them. They also stated that they were worried that if he’d known it was a couples weekend, and that I couldn’t come, he would have stayed home, too.
On top of all of this, they enjoyed the company of a single female neighbor and all rode together in her vehicle to a local event.
I was hurt — not only by the fact that I was left out and not invited, but also that my husband did not feel the need to let me know, nor did he say anything to his friends about this upsetting me. When we talked about it, he got upset and said that his friends didn’t mean anything by it.
If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have let those in attendance know that I was excited to see them, that I love them, but that I was hurt that my husband had been left out. I would have left and returned home to my family.
Am I justified in feeling wronged?
GENTLE READER: Yours is an interesting etiquette problem, because it is a case where the modern penchant for giving everyone around us our immediate, honest reactions can go badly wrong.
Miss Manners says this because her first impression of what you describe is very bad indeed. And, for that reason, she knows you will first want to be sure of your facts.
Your husband claims not to have known the weekend arrangements in advance, claiming you were both deceived — not only by his old friends, but by their wives, and by the single female neighbor. Whatever else happened that you do not know about, it is certainly true that they participated in lying to you, so you would be justified in being cold to them, if not worse.
But a distant civility to them now can preserve options for the future while you investigate who else may have misled you.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been divorced for some time, and once in a while, someone will ask me how long I was married. I find this question intrusive and somewhat rude.
Am I wrong to feel this way? If not, what is a good way to answer — or to avoid the inevitable, and even ruder, next question: “What happened?”
GENTLE READER: The law may sometimes require you to answer personal questions. Etiquette does not.
Possible answers are, “Slightly too long” and “What happened was that it ended.” Or, if you prefer, “I’m sorry, I don’t discuss it. Aren’t these rhododendrons beautiful?”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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