DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I treat family to dinner, my husband insists on asking me how much we should tip.
He doesn’t lower his voice when he asks, and then he argues about tipping the typical 20%.
It was so embarrassing when we took his nephews out to dinner that one of them asked if he could leave the tip instead. When we took my son and daughter-in-law out to celebrate a milestone birthday, my husband made sure to let them know how expensive the dinner was.
I was raised that when you invite people out for dinner, you sign off on the bill and that’s it. It’s rude to ensure the whole table knows how much dinner cost.
If we have bills due, he also used to talk about that in front of family. He’s notoriously cheap, and when I try talking to him about it, he gets mad.
Am I being unreasonable to ask him to keep this information between him and myself? We can certainly afford it, and it’s really embarrassing.
GENTLE READER: Perhaps you could, in private, convince him that you are sometimes going to insist on paying, whether he agrees or not.
Miss Manners suggests that you explain that the purpose of paying is to engender good feelings, but that he is killing that. And therefore — this should hit home — he is wasting the money when he makes it clear to everyone how much he grudges paying.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I do a lot of recreational traveling. In some cases, we take local tours. I’m finding that these tours often include a significant number of comments using America as a source of ridicule.
How should I handle this? Just stand there and be humiliated?
GENTLE READER: There are three general approaches in the situation you describe, but only one that Miss Manners finds acceptable — a point on which, you may be surprised to hear, she believes the two American political parties should be in full agreement. After all, how one feels about one’s government and how one speaks about it to strangers are different questions.
To start, bear in mind three principles: First, you are a guest in another person’s country, and it is rude to belittle a guest (as they are apparently doing).
Second, you are in a public setting in which you, to a small extent, are representing your country.
Third, one rudeness does not justify another.
The possible approaches are to side with your hosts, either directly or by implication; or, at the opposite extreme, to go on the attack, raising your voice and returning insult for insult. The final option is to register offense in a quiet and dignified way.
It is, of course, the last that Miss Manners strongly recommends — not only as the proper course, but also as the most effective.
Those choosing the first option (agreement) will find that what follows is not respect, but mistreatment; those choosing the second (returning fire) are merely providing confirmation of what your hosts already believe — as well as fresh material for their next round of insults.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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