DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is in an open relationship, but I can tell she’s unhappy.
When she first told me about it, I asked genuine questions out of curiosity, but she became defensive. She even tried to guilt me into being more progressive and “open-minded.”
I know that in this day and age, there is a whole new way to date, but as a mother, it seems like my daughter has agreed to this dynamic because she likes her boyfriend, not because she wants the option to experience others.
She’s in her mid-20s and has been with her boyfriend for almost two years now. The first year they were together, they were exclusive (supposedly), and then her partner suggested that they open things up.
I want to remind my daughter that she doesn’t have to agree with anything just to please someone else, and that it’s OK for her to change her mind along the way. How do I do this gently?
We’ve always had a close relationship, so I want to be careful not to seem like I’m judging her.
— Open Mind
DEAR OPEN MIND: Check in with your daughter regularly. Don’t push, but do ask her how she’s doing and how she feels about their arrangement. You can let her know that if she ever feels uncomfortable with the terms of their relationship, she can speak up and change her involvement with her boyfriend.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I became a dad at a young age: I had my first daughter at 18 and my second when I was 22.
When their mom and I broke up, the three of them moved out of state, so I’ve been a long-distance parent to my daughters for about six years now. I have them on holidays and summer break, but because of the distance, I often feel nervous or even awkward when they come to stay with me.
Growing up, I did not experience a lot of affection from my parents, and I realize I’ve carried that into my own parenting journey.
How do I break past my nerves and let my guard down around my children? They’re still young, so they don’t seem to notice, but the anxiety is driving me crazy. I want to feel the same joy and level of comfort that other parents feel with their children.
How do I create a better relationship with my daughters despite the distance?
— Better Dad
DEAR BETTER DAD: Kudos for wanting to strengthen your relationship with your daughters. Start by adding more interaction with them during the rest of the year.
Schedule weekly video calls where you get to see and talk with one another. Be prepared to share simple things about your day and your life and ask them to do the same. It could be about school, extracurricular activities or anything else that’s going on in their worlds. Listen attentively, and don’t get upset when they don’t have time to talk to you. Just establish a rhythm and build from there.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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