DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think the reason that people think using “ma’am” or “sir” is offensive stems from the idea that you have to assume someone’s gender identity in order to use them.
There are many people whose appearance doesn’t match their identity. Assuming one knows that information based on looks, or even voice, can cause distress for people, especially if they are early in a transition or if they are gender-nonconforming.
I, like you, was raised to be polite. “Ma’am” and “sir” were my normal ways of addressing people. It has been difficult to shift how I talk to people, but I have done so, not because I don’t want to be respectful, but because I do.
I genuinely wish there were a universal, gender-neutral honorific to use in the English language. I want something that showed I respect people enough to be polite, but also enough not to assume I know (possibly private) information about them.
I know gender-neutral honorifics do exist in other languages, but English is sadly lacking. Even a typically polite and well-mannered individual such as myself may choose to forgo the use of “ma’am” and “sir.”
GENTLE READER: It would be useful, Miss Manners agrees, to have such a word, and thereby dispense with one of the limitless causes at which people take offense.
So would you and other Gentle Readers please give it a try and suggest one?
A few warnings: It should be dignified and easy to say. A word already in use is preferable, if it is not too confusing, because people do not take easily to made-up words. For example, “partner” is confusing when used for a non-marital romantic alliance, as opposed to a business partnership — or, for that matter, tennis or bridge partners — but it won out over “significant other,” which was not only an invention, but also silly.
But please do try.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When should one respond to an RSVP request if not planning to attend?
I have been sending regrets for small (less than 20 people) group invitations, but I am not sure what is expected and most helpful when included in a mass mailing such as for a fundraising event.
For example, I received an invitation that went to hundreds of donors for a meet-the-staff event with appetizers and drinks.
Does it matter if one knows the sender from previous personal contacts (in this case, with the organization’s donor coordinator)? Does it matter if each guest’s attendance requires extra preparation and investment, such as a meal?
GENTLE READER: Does the invitation have a little price list for buying tickets to attend?
Far be it from Miss Manners to suggest that any invitation go unanswered. But some items that use the form of invitations are actually ticket sales slips, and may be ignored by those not planning to buy. Asking for the pleasure of your paid company, whether to a fancy dinner or a mattress sale, does not qualify as an invitation.
But it is courteous to answer all real invitations, even to mass events. No one may be heartbroken at your refusal to attend, but it may be helpful to the planners to assess numbers.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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