DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband has recently been talking nonstop about moving out of Los Angeles and starting over in the suburbs.
He says he’s tired of the traffic, the noise, the cost of living — basically all the things that make L.A. what it is — and he wants more space, a yard and what he calls a “calmer life.”
The problem is, I love where we live. My job is here, my friends are here and, honestly, I’m energized by the city. I grew up in a small town, and the idea of going back to suburbia makes me feel like I’m losing a piece of myself.
We’ve gone back and forth about it, but every conversation turns into an argument. He keeps saying I’m being stubborn, and I feel like he’s not hearing how big of a change this would be for me.
I worry that if I give in, I’ll resent him later, but if he stays, he’ll resent me. We’ve even started avoiding the topic because we’re afraid of another blowup, which feels unhealthy.
How do we find common ground when we want completely different lifestyles? What happens if neither of us is willing to compromise?
— To Move or Not To Move
DEAR TO MOVE OR NOT TO MOVE: This is a tough one. Someone is going to need to compromise.
One thing I know is that there are many suburbs around Los Angeles, and you may be able to find a neighborhood that you both like, one that is not too far away but that affords a bit more space and comfort. It is worth driving around and looking. If you at least offer to consider his idea, it may open him up to reconsidering yours.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I live with my boyfriend. We rent an apartment together and split all of our expenses.
I’ve been able to save up, and now I am interested in investing in real estate. I don’t know what that means for me and my boyfriend, though.
I mentioned my interest to him a few months back to see what he thinks, and he thinks real estate would be great for “us.”
At this time, I don’t intend to purchase property with my boyfriend. It doesn’t feel wise to me. If we were married or at least engaged, I’d feel differently.
My boyfriend has brought it up a few times since our first conversation, so I explained my stance, and he doesn’t think our relationship status should be what hinders us from making a good investment together.
He said he’s happy to do things separately if that’s what I really want, but now I fear I’ve thrown a wrench in our relationship.
Am I seeing this all wrong? Is purchasing a home together much different than being on a lease together?
— Major Investment
DEAR MAJOR INVESTMENT: It sounds like you two need to have a different conversation. What do you want for the future? Do you want to be in a committed relationship with each other? Do you want to get married? Does he? What does your future look like in your mind’s eye?
Yes, a mortgage is more permanent and serious than a lease, but many couples buy property together without being married. You two need to deal with the future of your relationship before tying up more resources together.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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