DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, my daughter asked me to tell her more about my early life. Over the years, I’ve made a point not to talk much about it, but now that she’s older and asking, I think it’s OK to share.
When she asked me, I started off by explaining that I’ve never told her about my past because I didn’t have a happy childhood. The words were barely out of my mouth when my husband interrupted, insisting that happiness is subjective and that I should focus on the good life I have now.
I hear what he’s saying, but he does this all the time. He accuses me of complaining or being ungrateful when I’m just sharing my truth. It’s instances like these that keep me from sharing about my childhood in the first place.
I love my husband. I just wish he’d give me the space to vent or mourn or cry if I need to without his voice telling me to be strong. We’ve been married for decades. Is there any hope for change?
— Be Strong
DEAR BE STRONG: You need to handle these situations separately. With your daughter, take her out for a parent-daughter date and share whatever you want to tell her about your past. It’s OK to reveal hard truths about what you’ve gone through in your life. If possible, give context so you show her how your life has evolved from whatever happened, but don’t sugarcoat the truth.
With your husband, have a separate conversation and stand up for yourself. Let him know it bothers you when he interrupts you when you are sharing your truth. Make it clear that you believe your life experience is valid, and you do not appreciate him shutting you down.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been dating long-distance for two years, and lately we’ve been talking about marriage and the future.
I love where I live; I have my own home and a good job. He lives back home and has a job that he loves as well. Recently, it’s been a point of contention because he wants me to move back to our hometown so we can focus on the future together.
While I understand everything he’s saying, I feel attached to everything I’ve built.
He says relationships require sacrifice, but I can’t help wondering why the sacrifice feels one-sided. I don’t want to stall our future, but I also don’t want to resent him — or myself — down the line. How do I know when compromise becomes self-erasure?
— Figuring Out Our Future
DEAR FIGURING OUT OUR FUTURE: Your boyfriend is right: Relationships require sacrifice. You two will need to determine what sacrifices you are willing to make. If moving is a sticking point, you may be at a crossroads.
I can tell you that I have met happily married couples who live in different states but see each other regularly. Anything is possible. In your case, though, it sounds like you will have to make a decision, and one of you will need to move — or move on.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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