Dear Eric: I’m in my early 30s and seeing a really great guy. He checks a lot of boxes for me and I’m happy with him.
My boyfriend and I said “I love you” to each other a few weeks ago. He said it first, and I said it back. We’ve been dating for about six weeks, so this feels normal.
This is moving more slowly than my other relationships have. I’m OK with that for the most part. But he won’t ask me to be his girlfriend.
We’ve talked about it and he’ll say things like, “That’s definitely where we’re heading.” But that’s it.
I’m getting frustrated about it. What can I do?
– Not the Girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend: You can ask him to be your boyfriend. Or, if you don’t want to be that direct, you can tell him that you are interested in taking the relationship to the next level and you want to know what he’s interested in.
If he feels you’re heading toward a committed relationship, it’s fair to ask questions like, how long is this road to a relationship? Are there any obstacles that you see? How fast are we traveling? Is it possible to step on the gas pedal?
Your relationship belongs to both of you, so don’t be afraid to ask for what you want or need. And don’t be afraid to tell him when something isn’t working for you.
Love is communication. It’s not just saying “I love you,” it’s also saying “let’s talk about this” and “can you help me understand” and “wow, this one thing is not working for me but this thing between us definitely does work for me and so I’m excited to figure out how to work it all out together with you.”
Dear Eric: I’m in my late 70s, and I have a loving and attentive husband, two adult children who stay in touch and lots of relatives (many of whom live near me and with whom I have monthly contact).
Most of my closer friends have died or moved away, and I don’t see that attrition changing. I long to have a few close friends that I can call or visit to share daily chitchat and deeper communication. Instead, I have to do all the reaching out, and do not feel that my efforts are returned.
I know well enough that travel, hobbies, classes, causes, work and helping others are ways to get connected. I do these things, but they do not satisfy me.
I am aware of “all the lonely people” around me. But I am most aware of my own loneliness. It is profound and raw and unabated.
What is wrong with me? What can I do about this? I think I am caring and considerate, and show interest in others. Why do I not have any close friends at this stage of my life, after being committed to my family and community for so many decades?
– In Search of Connection
Dear Connection: Sometimes when I get into a tough place emotionally, I ask myself, “What is real and what do I feel?”
Often, the Venn diagram of the two is one solid circle. At other times, there’s some distance. The distance doesn’t make either less valid. Feelings aren’t facts, but it is a fact that I feel and it’s important to honor that. However, feelings and facts often have different remedies.
In your letter, the facts are that you’ve experienced profound loss of some of your foundational connections. This is a part of life, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. It also doesn’t mean that you won’t grieve these friendships and all the things they brought into your life.
It’s possible that your grief process is making it even harder to feel connected to the loving husband you mentioned, or your hobbies or your other family members.
So, one thing you can do is talk to a therapist about what has happened and how you feel about it. Sometimes the remedy to loneliness is signing up for a class or introducing oneself to a stranger. But at other times, the remedy comes from deeper, slower internal work with a professional. I encourage you to see if that feels right for you.
This work can also help you figure out what parts of this stage of your life need to be accepted, and what can be pushed back on and changed.
Your first question was “what is wrong with me?” Although I don’t know you, I know that you’re not alone in feeling this way. And it’s highly unlikely that you’re to blame for your loneliness. Unfortunately, it’s not an easy fix, but by reaching out and processing what you’re feeling, you can experience a change.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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