Dear Eric: Thirty-three years ago, I became pregnant, and the man I was dating dropped me like a hot potato. I had the baby on my own, and when he was 2 years old, I met someone who I later married.
After 20 tumultuous years we had a very ugly divorce.
Before I began divorce proceedings, I contacted my son, who was then in the Marines, to let him know that his stepfather and I were divorcing. He said he already knew, courtesy of his stepfather.
I had gotten along fine with my son until this moment nine years ago. Since then, he won’t speak to me or return my texts, letters or phone calls and I haven’t seen him. If I call him and he answers, he hangs up as soon as he hears my voice.
I have no idea where he lives now (he’s out of the Marines) or what his life situation is.
My ex-husband and I do not speak to each other, but his social media picture is of him and my son.
I don’t know if I should keep trying to contact him. I have no idea why he cut me out of his life and he hasn’t told me. I wish we could make amends.
Any advice?
– Miserable Mom
Dear Mom: I’m sorry this is happening to you. From what you’ve written, it’s not clear that you owe amends.
Now, of course, there could be other things that happened between you and your son. But the fact is, if he won’t tell you what’s wrong, or even that there is something wrong, then there’s nothing for you to fix.
It sounds like you’ve tried every avenue available to you in an attempt to reach him. It strikes me as cruel that he wouldn’t even write a letter back, even to air grievances.
For your own healing process, it will be helpful to stop reaching out for now. You may want to join support groups for parents who are experiencing estrangement or read “Done With the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children” by Sheri McGregor.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have been going through some very tough times this past year and a half. He hurt his back very badly at work and he was given no disability or compensation. We have a court date in July to see about his case.
He has been out of work due to his condition, which is very stressful, and we are spending money only on necessities such as toilet paper, toothpaste and basic needs. We are on food assistance which helps greatly.
I was recently diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer and have had two lumpectomies and a half-breast removal. I am going through radiation and have numerous doctor’s appointments.
We have two daughters and three grandchildren. We spend our gas money only on going to and from doctor’s appointments, radiation and the grocery store.
Both of my daughters have birthdays coming up and, of course, Christmas has just passed. We were unable to afford the gas money to go visit them.
I am beside myself that we are completely unable to see all of them, let alone send them Christmas gifts.
One of my daughters sent us some gifts and I am unable to do the same. I really hope they understand. I just don’t know how to tell them without burdening them with our problems or having them feel sorry for us. That’s the last thing I want.
– Feeling Guilty
Dear Feeling Guilty: I’m so sorry to read about what you’re going through. Health challenges are hard enough without having to navigate financial struggles and legal logistics. This is a hard time.
One of the more difficult parts of hard times is letting it be hard. We want to fix, we want it to be better, we want to go back to normal, of course we do.
It’s important to remember that generosity from others – in good times and bad – isn’t an invoice that we have to scramble to repay somehow. People give of their time, their attention and their resources out of the goodness of their hearts, or because they see a need, or because they care. So, instead of seeing your daughter’s gift as a reminder of what you can’t offer this year, try to think of it as an invitation to be cared for right now.
Think about Christmas lists. Sometimes it can be frustrating not knowing what someone wants. We say, “tell me what to get you.” That same concept can apply for intangible gifts. When we share where we are in life and what we need, we better equip our loved ones to support us, show up for us and express their love.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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