Dear Eric: I was in a relationship for 21 years until my ex had a baby with another woman and I left him.
During breaks in my relationship with my ex, there was a guy I would see from time to time. After the split, he and I started dating and eventually we became a couple.
A couple months into the relationship things changed, and I noticed that I was a handful to deal with. I didn’t realize how hurt I was about my past until I got into a new relationship; I can admit I saw myself hurting him. He left me and I don’t blame him.
I really worked on myself, my ways and everything that I knew was a problem. After two years we got back together. He noticed the change in me and we got along great.
One day he got sick and had to get admitted into the hospital. I worked the night shift so I would stay at the hospital all day and leave for work at night.
On the third day of this, I called him to tell him I was on my way and he told me his ex was there. He said, “Look, you’re not here for me like I need you to be.” He said I should have quit my job when he needed me and stayed with him. Since I didn’t, he got back with his ex.
Now am I wrong for first of all wanting to strangle him for coming back into my life just to leave me again the same way, and in your opinion how do I move on from this hurt?
I don’t want to hurt my next partner if I decide to get into a relationship, but I also don’t want to keep getting hurt either.
– Ready to Move On
Dear Ready: I’m really sorry you experienced this. Your most recent ex had unrealistic expectations of you. It sounds like this relationship didn’t have the most rock-solid of foundations from the get-go, so I’d refrain from strangling him and just consider the relationship a step on your journey, one you needn’t return to.
To move on, first focus on yourself. Be honest about what you needed from previous relationships and what you could and couldn’t give.
Make a list of what you’d like in your next relationship. These don’t have to be requirements, but they can be goals. And then when you meet someone new, share with him honestly about where you are emotionally, where you’ve been, and what you hope to build together. Communication is key.
Dear Eric: I’ve been good friends with a woman for about five years now. However, I am not and never have been a huge fan of her new husband.
He talks over people or one-ups any statement and simply doesn’t listen. He can’t do turn-taking in conversation. I’ve asked a mutual friend if he is like this in his second language, and she confirmed he is.
He and my husband had a disagreement on a very sensitive topic for my husband, largely caused by this refusal to listen. Now my husband won’t tolerate small groups with him. We don’t have a large friend circle, so small groups are all we have!
Now I rarely see my friend and I always have to come up with an excuse why we can’t accept invitations, because I don’t love hanging out with both of them and my husband hates being relegated to the “boys’ corner” and having to talk to him during any group outing. I’m at a loss.
I really like her; it is hard to find down-to-earth people who are genuine like my friend, but her husband is always around and just so difficult to have fun with.
How can I salvage the friendship but ditch her husband?
– Trying to Keep Old Friends
Dear Trying: Alas, you cannot divorce someone else’s husband. So, you may have to recalibrate your expectations regarding your friendship in order to salvage it.
Let’s take the husband’s corner first: It’s not your responsibility to manage your husband’s good time. So, if he’s refusing to go to group outings, let him stay home. These can still be opportunities for you to get in some quality time with your friend at a time when her husband is otherwise engaged.
Also, consider setting up one-on-one friend dates with her. You may not get to see her as often as you want, which can happen in friendships even when the friend’s spouse is a delight. But by being intentional and keeping the focus on creating opportunities for yeses, rather than focusing on what’s not working in this friendship, you may find a happy medium, with fewer interruptions.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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