DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a professor at a small university. One of my colleagues has the annoying habit of entering my office without knocking.
These are not social visits: She invariably needs help with her computer or wants to borrow instructional materials, and she just opens the door and walks in.
Before we moved to this building, her office was a few doors down from mine, and she would simply shout for me whenever she needed something. If I didn’t respond, she would shout louder. I finally sent her a testy email asking her to come to my door rather than shout for me as if I were a dog.
She stopped doing this, but her feelings were clearly hurt.
She just doesn’t pick up on the subtler signals of body language and tone of voice by which most people would realize that their behavior had offended someone.
I know there must be some verbal middle ground between hoping she will notice my compressed lips and clipped manner, and blowing up and asking if she was raised by wolves, but I don’t know what it is.
I think she feels that offices are somehow public spaces and that knocking is unnecessary, but my policy has always been to knock on my colleagues’ doors, even if they are ajar or fully open, and wait to be invited in.
A friend has suggested that I keep my door locked, even while I’m in my office, but I really don’t like the inaccessibility this creates, especially for my students. (Also, I’m fundamentally lazy and prefer not to have to get up and cross the room to open the door every time someone knocks.)
Please tell me what to do or say that will get the job done without unnecessarily embarrassing or offending this person.
GENTLE READER: This is going to be easy. Think of this person as you would a student who lacks knowledge which it is your job to teach.
Miss Manners will, however, remind you that your methods are different when teaching graduate students and undergraduates: more collegial, with a recognition of greater expertise and experience. Thus, not “You are supposed to knock before entering,” but rather, “Please knock, as I might be occupied.”
It may be a learning experience for you as well.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don’t know if it’s a faux pas for an adult to cry in public, excepting at a wedding or funeral.
I think most people would not cry in public on purpose, but I know I have on occasion done so unintentionally (as discreetly as possible), when I could not seek privacy in time.
I have also seen people crying, and I sympathize.
If we notice an adult crying in public, is it more polite to pretend we don’t see them? Offer a handkerchief? Say something?
GENTLE READER: A legitimate reason to take notice would be to see if there is something one can do, which includes either rectifying the underlying cause or expressing sympathy. Not, Miss Manners must emphasize, satisfying one’s own curiosity about the cause.
Which reason applies will depend on circumstances — as well as whether you yourself were the cause.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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