DEAR HARRIETTE: I am getting married to the love of my life this summer, and this week I was looking for wedding dresses.
I went with my mom and soon-to-be mother-in-law, two people who are opinionated and traditional, which made shopping for the right dress a nightmare.
I am an untraditional person, and I wanted a color other than white, which made both moms lose their minds.
From the moment I mentioned that I didn’t see myself in a white gown, the tension in the room was obvious. Every dress I liked was met with criticism, and instead of feeling excited and supported during what I imagined would be a special bonding experience, I felt judged.
I understand that weddings can bring up strong emotions and expectations, especially for mothers who have long-held ideas about what this day should look like. Still, it hurt that neither of them seemed interested in what made me feel confident and happy.
This wedding is meant to celebrate my partner and me, yet I felt like my preferences were being treated as wrong or inappropriate simply because they didn’t align with tradition.
We never decided on a dress that day, and I’ve been wondering if I should give in and wear a white dress or wear a different color and be happy?
— Not in Sync
DEAR NOT IN SYNC: Wedding stylists suggest that when you go to try on dresses, you take people with you who are good listeners, who are thinking about you and not themselves, and who give you space to think. Clearly, that didn’t happen.
You can wear whatever color dress you decide. Next time you go to the bridal salon, take someone supportive with you.
Work on managing the moms as a separate issue. This will be a lifetime job. Stick to your beliefs; this is your wedding, after all.
DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine constantly preaches to us about the importance of showing support to each other through good times, bad times, startup businesses, financial hardship, graduations, milestones and everything else under the sun.
Over the years, though, it seems to be getting harder for her to practice what she preaches.
Recently, I’ve been building out a community-based organization that hosts free mixers for young professionals who need help socializing. This friend rarely comes to any of my events, and when she does, she comes late or spends her time criticizing or making suggestions.
I’m not opposed to suggestions, but it seems inappropriate to make these comments during the event. It feels like she’s not happy to be there for me on the few occasions when she does make an appearance.
I want to tell her that she doesn’t need to attend any of my events in the future if she does not enjoy being there, but I fear that may come off harshly. How do I remind her of her own standards of “support” without ruining our friendship?
— No Support
DEAR NO SUPPORT: Describe to your friend how she behaves when she comes to your events — wholly unsupportive. Tell her how surprised you are, given what she considers her “brand” to be.
Ask her to stop coming if she can’t be more constructive with her criticism. Her presence has not been helpful.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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