Dear Eric: I have been in a wonderful, committed relationship for nine years; we do not live together. We are both advanced seniors whose families got along and were pleased that we were together.
The day before Thanksgiving his daughter, out of the blue, verbally attacked me over something insignificant. Her rant lasted 10 minutes while my boyfriend just sat there and said nothing.
I was totally surprised by her attack but even more so that he didn’t step in and say something to stop it. Her husband, on the other hand, interjected several times on her behalf.
I have been there for him for numerous hospital stays, COVID, joint replacements and the flu while his daughter only came once, for two hours, during his last hospital stay.
I am disappointed, hurt and angry at both of them. On one hand I want to get past this but then do I really want to be in a situation where my man doesn’t stand up for me?
– Who Is In My Corner?
Dear Corner: You’re absolutely right to want someone to stand up for you. I’m curious if you’ve talked with your boyfriend about this.
To be clear, he isn’t responsible for his daughter’s behavior, but his lack of response exposed a gap between your expectations and his expectations.
It’s healthy to talk that out. It’s healthy to talk about your hurt feelings and to ask about his thoughts on what happened. I’m almost certain there’s more to this situation, considering it also involves family dynamics and an outburst that is far too severe.
He may say something along the lines of, “It was between you and her, I didn’t want to be involved.” And that’s a fine position to hold. But a statement like this gives you the opportunity to say, “That’s actually not how I saw it.”
The goal isn’t to convince him of your view, or vice versa. It’s for both of you to keep learning about each other, so that future communication runs more smoothly.
Dear Eric: I have been a preschool teacher for more than 20 years. There are a few times throughout the year where the kids and their parents give us gifts, which of course is optional. Those occasions are Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Teacher Appreciation Week and graduation.
I have never asked for gifts from the families, nor do I expect to receive them, but am always thankful when I do, and I express my appreciation and gratitude for their gift.
It doesn’t happen often, but it does feel good when the families appreciate all of our hard work.
My boyfriend thinks I should be humble and modest and tell the kids and their families that I don’t want their gifts and to give it to someone else who needs them. He feels that handmade gifts are better.
While I do agree that I don’t do this for the gifts, I disagree with me telling the families and especially the 3- and 4-year-old children that I do not want their gifts, especially when they are so excited to give them to me because they bought or picked it out themselves.
I feel like part of the joy is in the giving, and seeing my reaction to their thoughtful gift, and I refuse to crush the giving spirit that their families are trying to instill in their children. I’m not sure how much more humble and modest I can be.
Am I in the wrong for accepting gifts?
– Gifted Educator
Dear Gifted: Not guilty! (Bangs gigantic imaginary gavel!) Your boyfriend is putting too much thought into something that doesn’t really concern him.
I don’t have to tell you how hard teachers work or how important you are to the healthy development of the children you teach. If some of the parents want to express their gratitude for the (hopefully well-paid, but usually not well-paid-enough) work you do, let them!
Gift-giving is a form of communication, and it can be quite good for children to learn one way of expressing thanks. It doesn’t sound like you’re making a huge deal out of it or creating a situation where students without gifts would feel ashamed. It sounds like this is something between you, the individual kids, and their respective parents.
Sure, handmade gifts are nice, too. But it strikes me as a bit ungrateful, and perhaps controlling, to demand that parents supervise another craft project rather than buying you a gift card. How they show their thanks is up to them.
If you, in turn, want to pass the gift on to someone else who needs it, that’s your prerogative. But I don’t think you need to protest more to the parents. Sometimes, when people want to say “thank you,” the best response is “you’re welcome.”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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