DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I are going on our eighth year of marriage. Last year, we experienced indiscretion for the first time — to my knowledge, anyway. And as you can imagine, it was hard on us.
My husband cheated on me with a co-worker. Apparently, it was a sort of work crush that spiraled. When I caught on, he claimed that they only fully crossed the line once. He also quit his job and got a new one.
After a couple of months apart, I chose to take him back, but if I’m being honest, I’ve been uneasy this past year.
I’m always worried about what he’s doing when we’re not together, if he’s truly going where he says he’s going and whether it was just a one-time thing. I can’t tell if it’s my insecurities guiding me or my intuition.
How do I know if he’s really changed or if he just got better at hiding his infidelity? How do I decide what to do with my marriage?
— Feeling Conflicted
DEAR FEELING CONFLICTED: Overcoming infidelity is not easy, but it sounds like your husband already made significant strides to prove that he chooses you over whatever happened with his coworker.
Next, it would be great for you two to go to therapy together. Talk out what’s going on in your relationship with the support of a professional. Get to the bottom of the situation. Why did it happen? How can infidelity be avoided in the future?
Talk about your feelings, objectives and boundaries and how they were violated. Ask your husband to be willing to unmask his feelings with you so that you two can heal.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My son lives with bipolar disorder. All his life, his behavior has been a huge challenge — for me as his parent and for his younger sister, who looked to him for guidance.
Both my children are adults now, and while my daughter still lives with me, my son no longer does. Sometimes he will come by to visit, and as long as he maintains his medical regimen, things are good. When he is not medicated, though, he can be violent and extremely disruptive to our lives.
I know loneliness is a painful thing, so I want to continue to be here for him and make space for him in my life, but in the past six months alone, he has come by on at least three occasions in a manic state. When he’s like this, he is verbally abusive and can be quite menacing. Things have been this way for years.
How do I continue to protect myself and my daughter while still embracing my son? Is there a way that my peace of mind and my son’s disorder can coexist?
— State of Mind
DEAR STATE OF MIND: The research I have read suggests that you have to demonstrate tremendous empathy and patience for people with bipolar disorder while also maintaining personal boundaries.
You can require that your son take his meds in order to be allowed in your home. Contact local mental health services and form a plan of action for when he shows up manic. Over time, he will see that you are unwilling to take him in when he is potentially dangerous or violent.
Also make sure he knows you love him and want to be there for him. He just has to do his part. For more, visit ghs-hdf.org/parenting-an-adult-child-with-bipolar-disorder/.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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