DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m struggling to accept the palates of my in-laws.
We frequently share meals with two generations of my husband’s family. The older generation only likes their ethnic cuisine and is critical of anything else. The younger generation (my two sisters-in-law, plus their husbands and kids) live on junk food and stuff prepared from a box.
My husband and I, on the other hand, love a variety of cuisines, enjoy cooking from scratch and are more health-conscious about ingredients. We avoid seed oils, buy organic products and stay away from heavily processed foods.
I want to prepare food my in-laws will appreciate when we host, but I resent feeling limited by their palates when our repertoire is so much bigger.
We will put out charcuterie that is barely touched. We’ll make homemade pasta and sauce, only to watch plates of it get dumped when they think we’re not looking. I can put six hours into Julia Child’s beef bourguignon and a loaf of homemade bread, and they’d prefer pizza rolls and soda. They won’t drink a good wine, but want to shoot cheap whiskey. They prefer brightly colored candy to homemade cupcakes.
You might think that maybe our cooking is bad, but the same thing happens when we go to a restaurant that’s not fast food. Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Greek, seafood, Creole, it doesn’t matter — same lack of curiosity or appreciation. It’s been over a decade and there is no hint of change on the horizon.
When we go to their house, we always eat whatever they provide and thank them, even if we didn’t enjoy it. I even eat dairy at their house without complaints, knowing that it’s going to cause me to feel ill later. I’ve mentioned on various occasions that I don’t do dairy, and it always seems to be forgotten.
It’s becoming more of an issue for me because I’d hoped to encourage a more adventurous palate in my own kids, not to mention my nieces and nephews, but instead, the opposite is happening. My kids like the candy and junk that they get at the in-laws’ and get mad when I won’t bring it home.
How do I handle this without seeming petty?
GENTLE READER: So you hate the food that his family eats, but resent the fact that his family hates the food you eat? Miss Manners would take your side if the others were not hiding it, but they are (even if badly).
But she is not without sympathy. She just wishes to point out that those who eat only organic and specify what types of oil they prefer are not without their own culinary quirks. You also cannot really believe that, were it not for their cousins, your kids were never going to have an appetite for junk food and candy.
As for how to handle this? Do your best.
Provide a variety of foods that mix in things you know they will eat with the healthful foods you prefer. Do not spend six hours on anything. Save the good wine for more discerning guests and put out the cheap whiskey.
Lower your expectations, try to please your guests and remember that children’s palates develop. You may be pleasantly surprised when they find something healthful that they like. Just do not make it a test in front of the relatives.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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