DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel awkward when people ask me how much money I make.
I recently got a new job at a large tech company as a vice president, and now many of my friends and family keep asking me about my salary.
In my opinion, it’s always rude to ask how much money someone makes, so I always tell people that I’m not going to give them that information. The problem is that when I say that, people get visibly uncomfortable or make jokes about it.
Some will say things like, “Oh, it must be a lot if you won’t tell us,” or “Must be nice!” Others push even harder and try to guess the number out loud.
It turns what should be a celebratory moment in my career into something that feels tense and transactional. What makes it more complicated is that I didn’t grow up with much money, and I’ve worked extremely hard to get where I am.
I’m proud of myself, and I don’t want my income to change my relationships or make people feel insecure. At the same time, I don’t want to feel pressured into disclosing personal financial details just to ease others’ discomfort at their own faux pas. How do I handle these conversations without coming across as secretive?
— None of Your Business
DEAR NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS: You do not have to succumb to their pressure. The best way to accomplish that is to accept that you are proud of where you are, and that’s enough.
Deflect when people ask you. Say your parents always taught you not to talk about salaries. You can say you are grateful for your career and you continue to work hard for it. Then, pivot to another topic.
Let them speculate. Unless your salary becomes public knowledge — for example, if you work for a publicly held company in senior leadership — that’s all they can do.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister and I are roommates. We share a lot, but now she’s encroaching on my friends.
I know it sounds silly, but I’ve been struggling to find my next job, so at the moment I can afford only my rent and the bare necessities. I feel awful enough that I can’t afford to go out with my friends the way we normally do, but it’s so much worse when she sweeps in and takes my place. It feels inconsiderate and almost tactical.
She never asks if I’d like to join, and sometimes she even tries to conceal who she’s meeting up with. In one instance, I realized she’d made plans with my friends only after she posted photos on social media. It left me feeling replaced and embarrassed, as if my absence had created an opening she was eager to fill.
Am I being overly sensitive, or is it reasonable to set boundaries around friendships — especially while I’m going through a vulnerable period?
— My Replacement
DEAR MY REPLACEMENT: Sit down with your sister and tell her how disappointed and hurt you are at her behavior.
Remind her that she knows your financial circumstances and why you can’t hang out all the time. Ask her why she would think it was OK or kind for her to go out with your friends without you. Tell her how inconsiderate you think her behavior is. Suggest that she find her own friends and stop stealing yours.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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