DEAR MISS MANNERS: People want to feel loved and cherished. An invitation to share a meal in your home is a special example. So when dinner guests ask me what they can bring, I tell them something specific: “Oh, I would love some pink peonies. Those would be so beautiful.”
Or I might request a bottle of maple syrup, or a recipe card for the wonderful cookies the guest baked on a previous visit.
Offering these suggestions lets your friends love you back.
GENTLE READER: Please do not make the idea of bringing something — or, as it is now phrased, “not showing up empty-handed” — more of a chore than it already is.
Miss Manners pictures your guests, looking forward to a pleasant evening with you, being confronted with your suggestions.
“Pink peonies?” they say in despair. “Where in the world are we supposed to find those? Even if there’s a florist open, they’re not likely to have those on hand.” Or: “Maple syrup? We could stop at the grocery store on the way, but they probably expect some kind of gourmet version.” Or: “What cookie recipe? Maybe they’re thinking of those cookies that Aunt Lucy sent us, and I didn’t correct their assumption that I’d baked them. How do I know what the recipe was?”
Miss Manners would not describe this as making someone feel loved.
It is not the job of hosts to dictate any presents the guests may bring. And bringing something is not an easy job for the guests. Many used to bring flowers or chocolates, but would now risk running into allergies and diets, so they bring wine instead — to the annoyance of hosts who do not drink.
Miss Manners only wishes everyone would calm down. A token present is fine, but the real show of appreciation from a guest is responding to the invitation immediately, engaging other guests in friendly conversation, thanking the host and reciprocating soon.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, our son married his longtime girlfriend in a lovely ceremony followed by a large reception.
This year, they’re planning an even bigger party. This next party is somehow about their wedding — but we already had the wedding!
I’m finding it difficult to be enthusiastic about attending a party when I don’t know what I’m celebrating. To have a second celebration seems to make the first one less meaningful.
Of course I can decline with a simple “no, thank you,” but I would like to hear your comments.
GENTLE READER: Would you feel better if they called it an anniversary party?
In today’s casual world, it puzzles Miss Manners that people seem to think a wedding is the only formal event they are entitled to throw or attend — unless they are up for an entertainment award.
People crave a bit of formality, if only for a rare change from near-universal grunge. Thus the urge to have multiple weddings — if not multiple marriages.
Boycotting this event would be a hostile move. Are you not in a position to have a gentle conversation with the couple, in which you support their idea but discuss modifying it? Calling it an anniversary party would make it their first big attempt at entertaining, instead of a wedding rerun.
Then again, perhaps they should not call it that. Surely they don’t want their friends thinking, “Do we have to give them presents AGAIN?”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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