DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a fast-food restaurant, in which we only go by our first names.
Often, when customers decide that I am the cause of whatever is not going their way, they ask me for my name. My first name is clearly spelled out on my name tag, but I always say it for them anyway, as it is difficult to pronounce. It is an unusual name, and no one else in the store has it.
However, they also often ask for my last name, which I decline to give them. I don’t feel that it is any of their business. I just politely tell them that I don’t give out my last name.
Often, they take this as rudeness on my part.
Am I in the wrong?
GENTLE READER: The reason stores use first names — or first names and last initials — on name tags is to balance two reasonable, but competing, requirements.
A customer is entitled to lodge a legitimate complaint through normal channels about inadequate performance by a salesperson. So the tag has to give enough information to uniquely identify the alleged offender.
But the salesperson also has to be protected against illegitimate complaints or unwarranted approaches outside of normal channels. This is why name tags do not include a full name, which could be used to look up and harass the salesperson away from the store.
From your letter’s calm tone, Miss Manners likes to think that it is the complainant who is being unreasonable. But she nevertheless suggests you give this answer: “I am sorry that you are dissatisfied, but you do not need my last name to identify me to management. If you want to lodge a formal complaint against me, just give my first name and the time of my shift. I assure you that they will know how to find me.”
This response appeals to Miss Manners both for its politeness and because it calls out the customer’s attempt to intimidate.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I have many friends, I enjoy traveling and dining by myself on occasion. When I ask for a table for one, the response is usually, “Are you all by yourself?” Or, “Are you waiting for someone?”
Then I am offered a seat at the bar, or a table near the restroom or kitchen door, which I decline. Once seated, it’s the same: “Is it just you?” Or, “Do you want to wait for someone before ordering?”
Is there a polite response to this, other than saying, “I’m all alone; isn’t that sad and pathetic?”
GENTLE READER: As the recipient of Gentle Readers’ mail, Miss Manners is all too aware of the deluge of rudeness in the modern world. But the transgressions of waitstaff — who live in hope of generous tips — usually take the form of ill-judged humor, not intentional put-downs.
The subtext you infer is most likely not intended to suggest that you are unpopular, but only to know the size of your party. This merits nothing more than saying you prefer a table elsewhere, and noting when you are ready to place your order.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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