DEAR ABBY: I’m worried about my husband’s grief response. His mom collapsed and died in our driveway.
At the time, I responded quickly. I made sure everyone was fed and paid for the funeral service. That was all fine. But now, I don’t understand why he’s not grieving.
I love my husband very much, but this has me confused. Please advise.
— LETTING IT OUT IN OREGON
DEAR LETTING IT OUT: Please accept my sympathy for the shocking loss of your mother-in-law.
We are not clones in the way we respond to death. Everyone does it differently, including your husband.
If his mother was a strong influence in his life, he will feel her absence. If he’s still eating and sleeping well and is able to concentrate, do not let this absence of emotion worry you. This is his journey, and if anything changes, your doctor can refer him to a grief support group.
DEAR ABBY: I was always the wild child and did pretty much what I wanted. My four siblings stuck to the straight and narrow. We stayed close and loving, though.
We are old now, and they all lead very comfortable lives. I, however, became injured and gravely ill. I could no longer work and now live on supplemental security income and food stamps.
My siblings all give generously to food banks and homeless charities, even putting some homeless people up in hotels, which is great. But not one of them thinks to ask me if I have enough food or anything. I’m really hurt. Luckily, my affordable housing will offer some food for the residents, so I’m OK.
Should I say anything to my siblings? Occasionally, in the past, they have helped me, like buying me a chest of drawers or some other minor thing. They could easily support me if they wanted to.
Should I just be grateful for that?
— UNDERPERFORMING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR UNDERPERFORMING: Your relatives are not mind readers. If you need help, speak up, explain the problem and ask for help in plain English. The worst they can do is refuse, and you will be no worse off than you are.
DEAR ABBY: I am a disabled person. When I go to doctors’ offices or restaurants, there are usually two doors to get in. Sometimes, if someone is coming in or out, they will hold the door open for me. However, when they do, almost every time, another person will push past me, almost knocking me down.
What can I say to them about their rudeness? One of these days they might be in my position and need someone to hold the door for them. The next time it happens, I’m going to tell them, “The door was held open for the disabled person, not for you. Be glad you can walk well!”
What would you say, Abby? I can’t believe how rude the country is getting.
— TRYING TO GET THROUGH IN VIRGINIA
DEAR TRYING: A better word than “rude” to use would be “entitled.” If it happened to me, I would say loudly that the door was held for me because of my disability. Then I would add how fortunate I felt not to have been injured again this time.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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