DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 35 years old, and recently I got engaged after dating my fiance for five months. I know that sounds fast, but I’m not 22 anymore.
I’ve lived on my own for years, built a career, been in serious long-term relationships and have done a lot of personal growth. I know who I am, what I want and what I will and won’t tolerate in a partner.
When I met my fiance, it didn’t feel impulsive; it felt intentional. We’ve had the hard conversations about finances, kids, faith, where we want to live, how we handle conflict, etc. We’ve met each other’s families and friends. Nothing about this feels rushed to me.
Yet my family and several close friends keep telling me it’s “too soon.” They say I’m being overtaken by excitement and that five months isn’t long enough to know someone. My brother implied that I’m making a mistake or acting out of fear of getting older.
Instead of feeling celebrated, I feel judged and second-guessed. It’s starting to make me doubt myself even though I feel confident in my choice. How do I know if I’m moving too fast?
— Engaged
DEAR ENGAGED: Go to premarital counseling as you prepare to marry. Work with an officiant or spiritual adviser to talk through everything. Together you can discover if this is right.
Drown out the other voices and focus on the two of you.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Last week, my mom told me that she was married and divorced before she met my dad. I am 35 years old, and she just shared this with me now.
I was surprised because she has never mentioned this before. I had no idea there had been another marriage, and it feels weird that something so big was hidden from me for my whole life.
She mentioned it casually, almost like it wasn’t a big deal, but to me it is. I keep wondering why she never told me before. I wonder if she was ashamed or if she just didn’t think it mattered because she didn’t have any kids from the marriage and hasn’t talked to her ex-husband in over 40 years.
I find myself questioning what else I might not know about my parents’ lives. I don’t necessarily feel angry, but I do feel odd. At the same time, I feel guilty for caring this much. My mom is allowed to have had a life before my dad — and before me.
Should I ask her more questions about it or let it go since it happened long before I was born? How do I process feeling left out of something that technically wasn’t my business to begin with?
— Life Before Me
DEAR LIFE BEFORE ME: My mother used to tell me that she shared information with my sisters and me on a need-to-know basis. For my whole life with my mother — she lived to be 95 — I learned new things about her.
Don’t begrudge your mother her timing. Assume that she told you when she did for a reason. What is going on in your life that makes you believe such information would be helpful?
Rather than worrying about what you don’t know about your parents, continue to get to know them and learn about them. You have your whole life to discover more treasures about them. Don’t be upset; be curious.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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