DEAR ABBY: I am tormented by an incident that occurred at a time when I did not have the ability to object or present facts to disagree.
My father had given me permission to invite my three close college friends for a holiday dinner. My stepmother evidently objected to it.
A week before the dinner, my stepmother’s father began verbally attacking me for inviting my friends, implying that I had been out of line. He said, “Holidays are for family.”
I was shocked by his statement because I had been taught from elementary school that people invite others for the holiday to share our gratitude for what we have. This could include those who have no family and are alone for the holiday.
After that holiday, my stepmother told me I would never have friends over again for any holiday.
In each of the 25 or so years that have passed, that painful incident comes to mind, and I wish I had had the ability to speak out. What would you suggest should have been the proper answer, at the time, in this case?
— SEARCHING FOR CLOSURE
DEAR SEARCHING: You could have told your stepmother that sharing holidays with friends was never forbidden before she came along, but now that she ruled the roost, you and your friends would be celebrating elsewhere. I hope that in your adulthood you have practiced the principle of inclusion which is intrinsic to your nature.
DEAR ABBY: I have always looked inside a person before casting judgment. It has been six years that I’ve been close friends with my neighbor “Tim.” I have always regarded him as a Kramer from “Seinfeld.”
I have OCD. I am a clean freak. I work hard to support myself and my kids.
Tim is on every government program. He’s a hoarder. His dog is filthy, and Tim literally has to leave notes posted in his house to “remind” himself to wash his own hands.
Tim is politically my opposite. He’s narcissistic, and if you disagree with him, he gets crazy, raging with anger.
I have remained friendly with him because I feel bad for him.
Tim is always asking me to go out to dinner or an event, and I’m always turning him down. He doesn’t have much money, so when he needs something, I help out. Lately, though, because I feel like he’s taking me for granted, I have been quietly pushing him away.
Tim has now become increasingly needy, both emotionally and financially. How can I end the friendship without sending him into a spiral?
— NEIGHBOR IN NEVADA
DEAR NEIGHBOR: Friendship is supposed to be reciprocal. From your description of your relationship with Tim, it has been all take and no give.
Because this relationship has become so lopsided, continue refusing his invitations, be less available when he wants to dump his troubles on you, and quit giving him money.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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