DEAR MISS MANNERS: Tensions were riding high on the eve of my brother’s wedding, when I made the faux pax of mentioning his baldness at the dinner table. I mentioned that I, too, have male-pattern baldness (I am female).
He has been bald, mind you, for 15 years. Had he said, “I am sensitive to my lack of hair, and I’d appreciate it if you would not mention it ever again,” I would have obliged. I also would have apologized for having touched upon his sensitivity, which I knew nothing about.
Instead, he explained to me how I had been out of line, that one does not mention these things, and on and on, ending with the honor he had bestowed on me by asking me to be his witness at his civil ceremony. By the time he was finished, I felt shamed and unwelcome.
Was my indiscretion in such poor taste that I deserved a public rebuke?
GENTLE READER: The night before a wedding, the table in question is often at the rehearsal dinner. Miss Manners is dearly hoping that you did not think that his baldness was an amusing topic for a toast.
If so, it would not excuse your brother from delivering a public rebuke, but neither should it be thought to exonerate yourself.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My new ophthalmologist is a 35-year-old man whom I have known since he was 8 years old and I coached him in youth football. He was in my son’s class, and I had frequent contact with him through his school years until he left for college.
So I saw him in the office and I said, “Dr. Smith, how good to see you.” He insisted, “Just call me Tommy.”
Inside his office, I feel uncomfortable addressing him as anything other than “Dr. Smith,” so now I avoid calling him by any name. I feel awkward, but I understand his job requires the honorific.
Manners are supposed to help people feel comfortable, and in this case, the opposite is occurring.
GENTLE READER: Making people feel comfortable is not always the goal, but we can start there.
Dr. Smith may have graduated first in his class, but the use of the honorific by someone who once exercised authority over him could be making him uncomfortable. So whose comfort should we consider?
However, there is a much better reason than comfort to be using his title. Someday he may have to discuss a serious medical condition with you. If that day comes, you do not want to waste time wondering if the little boy who got confused during the final game and scored a touchdown on his own team was also looking in the wrong direction on the day they were teaching glaucoma.
Of course, you cannot say that. So Miss Manners’ suggestion is to ask Dr. Tommy if you could use the title in the office — citing as an excuse both that you are old-fashioned enough to do that with all your doctors, and that you are so proud of him.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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