DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend got married last year in Peru. She and her husband invited family only, wanting to keep the wedding small due to budget.
When she told me I wasn’t invited, I tried to be supportive. I sent a gift, congratulated her and told myself not to take it personally.
My fiance and I are getting married this year, and we have been saving like crazy so we can have a large wedding. Part of me doesn’t want to invite my best friend because I wasn’t invited to her wedding.
We have been friends for more than 30 years — since we were little girls — so I couldn’t believe an exception wasn’t made for me. I keep thinking: If I wasn’t important enough to make the cut for her wedding, why should she automatically have a seat at mine?
I know weddings aren’t tit-for-tat, but I can’t shake the feeling of being excluded during one of the biggest moments of her life. Am I justified in feeling like if I wasn’t part of her special day, she doesn’t need to be part of mine?
— Uninvited
DEAR UNINVITED: It sounds like you already know you are being petty, but you can still talk to her.
Tell her how hurt you remain about her decision to exclude you and what you are grappling with for your own wedding. Allow this to be an opportunity to clear the air.
Her decision probably involved other people. Whether it was right or wrong, it happened. What do you want for your friendship moving forward? Work toward meeting that goal.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a single mother of one, a son who is going to college this year. Over the years, my son and I have built a strong and open relationship that fosters healthy communication.
As every parent understands, there will come a day where I am not privy to every aspect of his life, and he must make his own decisions. I trust his decision-making skills since he hasn’t done anything to make me question his judgment; however, it is hard to let go of my child at any age.
As he goes to college, I want to give him enough space to grow and evolve into his young-adult self, but I want to maintain an open line, too. How would you advise I avoid becoming a helicopter parent while still providing relevant support and wisdom?
— Growing Up
DEAR GROWING UP: Let your son know that you will always be there for him as a sounding board and a support. Remind him that he is moving into a new phase in his life where he will begin to make decisions for himself. Suggest that he remember the values you have instilled in him.
Encourage him to evaluate the options before him at every major crossroads and consider what choice is in alignment with his beliefs. Remind him that when he’s in doubt, he can always contact you to run an idea by you.
Don’t baby him. Point out that you have instilled fundamental values and beliefs in him that should guide his steps. Now is the time for him to use those tools.
Of course he will make mistakes — we all do. If he continues to listen to the voice inside that is reminding him of what appropriate behavior is, he should be OK.
If you can coach him like this rather than constantly telling him exactly what to do, you will learn to let go and not be a helicopter parent.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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