Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for almost 32 years. He’s retired military and works as a civilian. All those years as military he wore the standard uniform, plus boots.
Well, some time back he visited Texas and bought some cowboy boots. Mind you, he had always been the non-clotheshorse guy – simple jeans and shoes.
Well, now some kind of urban cowboy switch was turned on, and he has gone full-on cowboy! We are talking wearing boots with his work clothes, plus collar tips and cowboy hat.
I am perplexed. The cowboy aesthetic is not my thing and honestly looks out of place where we live and his work.
It almost feels costume-y to me, and I don’t know what to do. It’s awkward to go anywhere in my casual clothes accompanied by my rootin’ tootin’ husband.
How can I gently say anything? He would never comment on my clothes, and I want to respect his choices, but this feels so awkward.
Should I be concerned about his mental judgment? He has now ordered three pairs of boots and wears them more frequently. Help!
– Rootin’ Tootin’ Trouble
Dear Rootin’ Tootin’: Let him get his yeehaw on in peace.
I understand your confusion and agree that it’s a little eccentric, but we’re all allowed our harmless eccentricities.
It sounds like he’s exploring a new form of self-expression. Maybe he got really into the television show “Yellowstone.” Maybe he just likes the feel of cowboy boots. It’s all fine.
Try to lead with curiosity if you talk with him about it. Curiosity can be hard, I know, when the truth is we just don’t agree with another person’s choice. But see if you can leave your opinion aside and ask him what’s motivating this change in style.
If he feels your genuine interest, he may share something that surprises you. Maybe there’s no big idea behind the change, but it’s always enlightening to hear about the things that excite others. At the very least, it’ll give you more insight into your spouse’s inner life.
Dear Eric: My daughter was 10 when my wife and I split. Soon after, she moved to Vermont with my daughter to live with her new boyfriend. When I phoned, she frequently would not let me talk with my daughter.
My ex used our daughter as a means to inflict pain on me. She badmouthed me to her and all our common friends to the point that I was told to leave the church we both had been attending.
My daughter has said she never heard my side of the divorce. She is now an adult, and my ex continues to try to monopolize time, even hiring her to work for her.
What is painful is my daughter generally does not reach out to me. I have to initiate the connection. My daughter recently had a child. When I want to see her and my granddaughter, it is like making an appointment, whereas my daughter frequently visits her mother.
She has expressed to me that her relationship with her mother is codependent, and she feels her mother is “playing mind games” with her, her own words, but nothing changes.
The situation is very painful as I do not feel like I am important in her life, something my ex fostered. I want to talk with my daughter but am afraid it will create hard feelings. I even think it might be less painful to end the relationship with her.
I know this sounds like I am playing the victim, but I honestly do not know what to say or do. I keep reaching out to my daughter, but it wounds me to hear how much time she spends with her mother.
– Neglected Father
Dear Father: As difficult as it may be, it will help you to start thinking about her relationship with you as completely separate from her relationship with her mother and your relationship with her mother.
Right now, there’s a lot of comparison running through your head. This is understandable, but it’s only going to deepen your pain.
You and your daughter have been through a lot. It sounds like some of it wasn’t fair or wasn’t right, and so you need to start over. This is going to take time. But if you approach her with openness and clarity about your desire to connect on her terms, it is possible.
Don’t end the relationship. Instead, try saying something like, “I’d love to be in your life more. I know the divorce had an impact on you and we can talk about that if and when you need to. But I think that we can build something new that has meaning for both of us. Is that something you’d like?”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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