DEAR HARRIETTE: Earlier this year, I started taking myself out for solo dates here and there. I’d take myself out for drinks or for dinner.
I didn’t mention it to my husband because I didn’t want him to invite himself to join. We share our mobile locations with each other, though, so I thought it was OK.
Turns out, my husband has been suspicious of my evenings away and is now accusing me of being unfaithful.
I told him the truth of the matter, but he doesn’t believe me. He’s left our home to stay with his brother, and I feel alone. He keeps asking me to admit what I’ve done, but there’s nothing to admit.
I’ve suggested we try couples therapy, but he insists that if I just admit it, he will forgive me and we could move on without professional help.
What should I do about my marriage? Before now, I never realized he didn’t trust me.
— Admit It
DEAR ADMIT IT: Why did you not want to go out with him? Maybe that’s what you need to talk about.
Explain that you thought he would bulldoze his way into going with you if he knew, and add why you want to do things like that solo. Go deep in discovering and sharing what’s going on with you. Your honesty may get him to believe you.
If you continue these solo outings, it might be best to be upfront with him as they happen.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I got into a fight, and I feel like it revealed a lot about what he thinks about me.
For context, I was going on a work trip for two days, and I asked my husband if he could take care of the dog and be there when the handyman came over to fix our bathroom sink. I had already scheduled the time when the handyman was going to come and had the money laid out for payment.
My husband said it wasn’t his responsibility to take care of issues around the house or our dog. He wanted to go to hang out with his friends instead.
What hurt the most wasn’t just that he said no to helping out while I was gone, but how he dismissed something that felt like a normal part of being married. It made me feel like he believes the responsibilities of our home and shared life are all my job, and that my work matters less than his social plans.
Now I’m questioning whether this is about one argument or an imbalance in how we view responsibility, respect and teamwork in our marriage.
Am I overreacting, or is this a red flag that I shouldn’t ignore?
— Taken for Granted
DEAR TAKEN FOR GRANTED: I spoke to a matrimonial lawyer who told me that, going into marriage, couples need to be aware of partners who are potential gold diggers or labor diggers.
The latter are people who expect their partner to do most of the labor in the relationship without either compensation or appreciation of the value of that service. She cautioned that this happens often for women who handle most — if not all — of the household duties. There is tremendous value in that work, and it should be acknowledged.
Yes, you should speak to your husband about how he reacted to your request. If you have been handling all the household duties all along, he may be surprised at your reaction.
Talk to him. Help him to understand your desire for the two of you to share family duties. This may not be easy to do.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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