Dear Eric: I’m an older gay man who was estranged from my family during my earlier years. Things were mended before my mother’s death, but family members and I rarely interact.
My mother had a yearly tradition of giving all the children $50. After her death, I continued this tradition, which has become pretty expensive since the family has grown so large. I’m comfortable, so I don’t mind the expense really, but only one of the parents acknowledges the gift.
I hear that thank-you acknowledgments have kind of gone out of style.
I’m not sure what I’m asking here because the tradition really is in honor of my mother, but should I just continue to ignore the lack of acknowledgment? I know some of the grandchildren didn’t think they got all they were entitled to in my mother’s will. They may feel that this is a small recompense.
– To Gift or Not to Gift
Dear Gift: See if you can release yourself from trying to manage anyone else’s feelings but your own.
Remember that a gift, more than anything else, is a symbol of one’s well-wishes, one’s hopes for the recipient, and one’s love. How it’s received is out of your control. This is a good thing, because it means that you’re not responsible for how the grandchildren feel about the gift.
It also means that if the act of giving doesn’t have the desired impact on them or on you, you can re-evaluate it with no guilt.
“Thank you” is not a phrase that has been lost to time. We don’t need archaeologists to re-discover thank-you notes, much evidence to the contrary. We don’t give in order to receive thanks, but gifts should be acknowledged. Gifts and thank-you notes aren’t debts that are owed, they’re both forms of communication, which is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship.
As you noted, the relationship that these gifts connect to most is your relationship with your mother’s memory. If, in that respect, you’re getting what you need, then keep it up. But consider that there may be other ways to honor your mother that leave you feeling more fulfilled.
Dear Eric: My husband’s family has a long-standing tradition of not buying Christmas gifts for adults, just the small children. It keeps Christmas less hectic and allows us to concentrate on what’s important: spending time together as a large extended family.
Years ago, I suggested to my highly dysfunctional family a similar approach. Most of them live in severe poverty and bought gifts for every single person of our extended family, which were often not thought out and promptly thrown out or given away.
The year before, I tried suggesting a gift exchange with drawn names. Some individuals received no gift at all, while the delinquent “gift giver” remained anonymous and accepted their gift without hesitation.
So the next year I suggested no gifts for the adults, children only. That has remained the norm ever since and has been fairly well received.
Unfortunately, I have a close sister who still insists on buying gifts for everyone. This makes me feel guilty and prompts me to buy gifts out of embarrassment for her, her husband and 30-something-year-old sons, wife and children.
I’ve asked her repeatedly to stop buying my family gifts, but every year I get a message to expect a package in the mail. I’ve described how this makes me feel anxious, guilty and embarrassed if I don’t reciprocate, yet she continues. How do I handle this?
– Feeling Like the Grinch
Dear Grinch: Your feelings are understandable. Gift-giving has become a form of communication for your family (as is the case in many families). And you and your sister are miscommunicating. It’s no wonder you’re feeling guilty.
However, right now every time a gift from her arrives, it probably feels like an invoice you need to pay, rather than what’s intended. Hence the stress.
Try to take a live-and-let-live approach. Your family has made an agreement; you’ve personally told your sister what you’d like to happen with respect to gifts. And she is ignoring it. This is unsuccessful communication.
It may not be malicious, but it’ll help you to think of it as something your sister is doing despite the knowledge that it makes you uncomfortable. And you may feel less stress.
We can’t control the actions of others, and the actions of others can’t control our feelings, so remind yourself “my sister is doing whatever she wants but it doesn’t have anything to do with me.”
The feelings of embarrassment and guilt may still come up but also remember that they’re coming from an internal expectation, not an external fact. It may seem counterintuitive, but your sister’s gifts don’t have anything to do with you.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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