DEAR HARRIETTE: I carpool with my friend to work. I pick her up every day because she’s on the way and doesn’t drive.
We’ve been late a few times, and our job has a protocol for lateness. My supervisor doesn’t keep close tabs on our team’s timestamps, so she hardly realized when I was late.
My friend’s supervisor, however, happened to notice her fourth tardy arrival and gave her a stern warning, per protocol. When she got her warning, she asked her supervisor if she planned to warn me, too, because we come in together every day.
I found it distasteful. I explained that to her on our ride home, but she thought it made sense that we both be on their radar since we’re both always late.
Since then, I made the decision to no longer pick her up and to be on time every single day.
She barely speaks to me now. I don’t regret the decision I made, but I do know she has a tough transit commute.
Am I being too harsh? Should I let this issue get in the way of our friendship?
— Corporate Carpool
DEAR CORPORATE CARPOOL: Your friend tried to soften the blow for herself by deflecting to you. That was unnecessary and unkind. I understand why you were angry, even though it is true that the two of you were late.
Were you often late because of your friend? You say that you aren’t late anymore now that you go alone. Are you more conscientious now, or was she a drag on the commute?
If you value her friendship, you can offer to speak to her to break the ice about this topic.
Tell her how you feel, but admit that you miss her friendship and also know that the commute is now hard for her again. Talk it out to see if you want to share a ride in the future.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother and I were raised in the same household by the same parents, yet as adults we have two very different views of our father.
I see my dad as someone who worked hard, showed up in the ways he could and consistently supported us throughout our lives. I’m deeply grateful for him and everything he’s done.
My brother, on the other hand, seems to carry a lot of resentment. Whenever the subject of our dad comes up, he focuses on his shortcomings and disappointments, often listing ways he feels let down or overlooked.
Listening to this has become exhausting and painful for me. It feels like he’s erasing the good and ignoring the sacrifices our dad made, and I can’t help but hear it as ungratefulness. At the same time, I don’t want to dismiss my brother’s experience or silence his truth just because it differs from mine.
How do I respect his feelings without sitting through what feels like constant criticism of someone I love?
— Oh, Brother
DEAR OH, BROTHER: Tell your brother you are sorry that his experience with your father was so bad. Remind him that yours was different and that it’s hard for you to hear his constant attacks on your father.
If your dad is still around, suggest that he speak to him directly, but leave you out of it. He may also want to work with a therapist to deal with his feelings about your father.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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