Dear Eric: I (64) have a sibling from whom I distance myself, but he (77) keeps poking the bear.
We have never been close, and I have no desire to tolerate his insults.
He always had digs, nasty comments, insults. I would walk away and avoid him until he left.
As years went by, I avoided him, but our mom would always insist on a family dinner. He was good at saving face — no comments when mom or other family members were around — but the moment we were stuck in the same room, insults flew.
I was a constant support for my mom until she passed. At that point, I figured I was done with him, too.
Well, now he’s trying to reach out to me. I have responded with “not gonna happen” and I wrote out all the grievances with details.
Now he’s been whining to my other brother (70) that I’m mean to him and does not understand why I hate him. Brother #2 had no idea this was happening in my life. I explained to #2 and gave a few excerpts, ones that really hurt.
How can I get past this?
– No Longer Insulted
Dear No Longer: It’s telling that your brother chose to, in your telling, whine to your other brother rather than try to clear the air with you. Even if he didn’t agree with a single word of your letter, the natural thing to do is say, “I didn’t realize you felt this way. Can we talk about it?”
Because he hasn’t done this, it’s hard to take his desire to reach out seriously. This isn’t to say that he’s not genuine. I have no way of knowing. But relationships aren’t jukeboxes; you don’t just plunk in a quarter and have a nice family dinner pop out.
You ask how you can get past this. Part of the solution is accepting that you didn’t get the support from your family that you needed and that wasn’t fair. Your brother may have been good at putting up a front, but over the years someone must have seen something in him or in your avoidance.
This isn’t putting the blame on them; your brother is responsible for what he did. But there’s likely a part of you that wants someone to acknowledge what happened.
If you don’t want to hash this out with your brother (and I can see why you wouldn’t), you might have to give yourself permission to disengage. You’ve responded and given him your reasons for not wanting to connect. He may not like it, but you don’t have to make it OK for him.
Dear Eric: I have a friend who is on the opposite side of politics from me. She sent me this message: “After seeing your vile and disgusting lies on Facebook I have no desire to be friends with anyone on the left.”
We have never approached any private political conversation as we recognize there is no convincing each other to change our thinking. We agree to disagree — but she wants me to censor what I post on Facebook.
I think she should pause notifications of my posts if she doesn’t agree. I don’t think it’s fair of her to make demands on me, as she is the only friend who can’t endure my daily assault with reposts.
They are not directed personally at her. She rarely posts anything and if she does, she doesn’t tag me. If she doesn’t like what I post, then she shouldn’t bother reading them.
This is the second time she has gotten so mad that she wouldn’t speak to me for at least a year. The first time (20 years ago) was when I didn’t realize that she had tucked a beaded necklace that she made inside something meaningless. I didn’t realize and gave the odd present to Goodwill.
What’s your take on all this?
– At the End of My Rope
Dear Rope: I think the necklace might be different from the Facebook situation, but the fact that it’s bringing up a similar frustration in you may be an indication that the friendship has run its course. Even without the political differences, there may be a personality mismatch.
It’s impractical to demand that another person censor their posts on social media. Frankly, most of what people post on social media is not that interesting (me included!). That’s why “likes” exist. If you see something a friend posts that catches your interest (a meal, a child, an animal), you can like it. If it doesn’t catch your interest, you can keep scrolling.
If she doesn’t want to keep scrolling or to mute you, I don’t think you have a responsibility to change anything if what you’re posting makes you happy.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
Leave a Reply