DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a frosty email from an administrator at a performing arts institution where I teach, taxing me with not having responded to an invitation to an event.
In fact, I had tried to respond, but the language and mechanics of the response form were so confusing that it was actually impossible to decline (which was what I needed to do).
The administrator noted that faculty had been asked to state whether we wished to “request an RSVP,” by which he meant “a complimentary ticket.”
While I know it can be obnoxious to correct other people’s language use, I am confident that my adored Miss Manners can thread this needle adroitly.
GENTLE READER: While she appreciates the adoration and deplores the incoherent instruction you received, Miss Manners feels compelled to point out that for all the possible responses you suggest, you omitted the obvious one: apologizing.
They asked you to attend — or at least to tell them if you were unavailable — and you failed to do so. They made that difficult and expressed themselves inarticulately, but you knew what they meant.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my friends endlessly plays with the food she does not want to eat, without ever signaling by the position of her cutlery that she has finished. So all of her fellow diners have to watch her shift the items to and fro, waiting for her to eat them.
Once, a waitress finally asked if she had finished, and my friend was offended by the “impertinent” question.
Since asking if she has finished is not an option, apparently, how can I politely make her stop playing with her food? It is unnerving to watch.
GENTLE READER: Other people seldom behave exactly the way we would wish. However, etiquette strictly limits our ability to correct such annoyances for a very basic reason: We would then have to reciprocate — and who knows what we are doing that others find irritating.
Miss Manners therefore offers three gentle suggestions.
1. When you are the meal’s host, you can offer to clear a plate, simply explaining you were trying to be helpful when caught out.
2. You can disrupt the fidgeting by passing her items such as bread, or by asking if your friend would like to order something else.
Or, 3. You can go on with the conversation and try not to notice.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a company holiday party, one of my colleagues decided not to partake of the wine that was offered.
During a round of toasts, she was admonished — in a good-natured way — by co-workers, for raising her water glass. They said toasting someone with water is bad luck.
Aside from the luck angle, is there an etiquette rule covering what is in the glass used during a toast?
GENTLE READER: Technically — a qualifier Miss Manners uses to emphasize that there are more important issues to consider — technically, tradition does say that you are not supposed to toast with water.
But now the more important issues: First, it is rude to correct another person’s manners. And second, in a work environment, when you may not know every co-worker’s personal situation, it is also foolish to draw attention to someone abstaining from alcohol.
Whoever did the admonishing will find that claiming it was good-natured will be of no help to them as a defense for their infractions.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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