Dear Eric: Recently, I was trying to figure out why two friends of mine, James and Jon, had decided to stop talking to me and not continue our friendship.
It wasn’t based on anything that happened between any of us. But then, upon thinking about what we all had in common, there was our mutual friend Paulo.
And then I realized what must have happened was when Paulo and I were having problems in our friendship, he probably complained to them about me. James and Jon didn’t just drop our friendship out of the blue on their own, but it was heavily influenced by Paulo repeatedly complaining about me, specifically.
What I’m wondering is how do I address this with Paulo to make him realize that he was a big influence and somehow steered them away from me permanently. This is problematic because then Paulo will probably get defensive or claim that he didn’t do this, even though I realized he did the whole time.
– Dissed A Lot
Dear Dissed A Lot: From my read, your first conversation ought to be with James and Jon. That’s the friendship you’re trying to salvage, and continuing to pull Paulo into the mix isn’t going to accomplish that.
James and Jon may be influenced by Paulo, but they’re also independent people who can make their own choices. If they don’t agree with something you did or have a negative feeling about you based on something Paulo said, the best way to address it is with them directly.
Try having an open conversation, free from defensiveness. Use “I” statements. “I am sad that you’re choosing not to continue our friendship. I respect the choice you’ve made but I would appreciate the chance to clear the air and make amends.” Ask them what their issues are, and what they feel the issues in your friendship are.
They may not be interested in fixing the friendship right now. You may need to accept that, too.
With regard to Paulo, think about what you actually want from this friendship, if anything. It may have run its course. If that’s the case, convincing him that he has undue influence over other people won’t really get you closer to your goals.
This is less about rehashing what’s been done as it is about making the future you want.
Dear Eric: This is in response to “Walking Seniors,” whose neighbor turns the sprinkler on them when they walk by his house.
I happen to be a lawyer. I would suggest the letter writer bypass the police, who are doing nothing, and go directly to the state attorney or district attorney’s office and file a complaint of harassment. And I would get a temporary restraining order through the clerk’s office against the person who owns the house.
A temporary restraining order, at least in my state, would require a hearing to make it permanent, drawing that man in front of the court. I believe any judge in his right mind will then school him on how to be neighborly.
I have never sent an email like this. But that story kind of touched me and I think there are legal avenues this couple can pursue so they can still walk down their street, pet the cats they’ve come to love and not be assaulted by proxy neighbors.
– Another View
Dear View: Thank you for this insight. It’s a good way to escalate the issue without escalating the conflict.
Some readers responded to the letter with frustration that this couple had to endure harassing behavior from this neighbor with little recourse beyond taking matters in their own hands. It felt important to me not to advise them to put themselves in danger, considering the neighbor’s behavior suggests there’s other issues at play. So, your solution of finding other authorities who can intervene is a welcome one.
Dear Eric: In a year that has been filled with not-so-great events (family members being furloughed, health issues, rising costs), how does one tell the family you don’t want any gifts?
My husband and I have plenty of things; we don’t need any things or clothing or food.
In the past the family members have all planned lists. There are children who will get gifts from Santa but how do we tell the rest of the fairly large family that enough is enough?
– Realistic Gift-Giving
Dear Gift-Giving: Meet their lists with a list of your own. You can make a list of charities you’d like them to contribute to in lieu of gifts, or a list of gifts that can’t be bought, like quality time or homemade treats.
Or your list can have just one item: “We have everything we could want. All we ask for is your continued love and support.”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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