Dear Readers: On November 9, I answered a letter from someone who was trying to find a way to acknowledge her impending divorce in her Christmas cards, which would contain a photo of the letter writer and her kids, sans amicable soon-to-be ex.
I made a few suggestions and invited you to lend your wisdom. Here are a few great suggestions and one that made me laugh.
Dear Eric: The first year, I included my soon-to-be ex in the card because I wanted to communicate that although dad and I were no longer a couple, we would still always be a family. It’s how he and I both felt, and now, five years later, I’m glad we continue to hold that perspective.
I wrote, “What a doozy of a year. It started with a ‘radical change in our family structure’ ([ex’s name] and I split, but amicably), followed swiftly by the pandemic and its attendant economic meltdown descending on the entire world, which had the minor side benefit of putting our family drama in perspective.”
While the tone may sound informal to some, it was authentic for me.
– Transition Year
Dear Transition: Authenticity is really important here. Life can be difficult and confusing to navigate; we shouldn’t put on masks of formality or “being OK,” especially for our loved ones.
Dear Eric: When our divorce was finalized (very amicably) a couple of days before Christmas last year, we decided to use our annual New Year’s card to also announce our change of address.
We included a photo of our dog and said that in the new year, he’d be hopping between his dog beds at two houses. We felt it was a good way to share our news without it being a downer. Who can resist a message coming from a very cute dog, right?
– Dog Days
Dear Dog Days: Animal cuteness always wins.
Dear Eric: Try a short but sweet bulleted list:
What has changed:
- My last name is now Smith
- I finally got to France
- Buffy graduated from cooking school
What hasn’t changed:
- Still taking tap dance lessons
- Our cat Dave is still with us at 17
- We hope our paths will cross in the coming year
– Simple Greetings
Dear Simple: Succinct and rather poetic.
Dear Eric: We can never get a photo of the whole clan before Christmas, because college kids often don’t get Thanksgiving off. We often send a new year’s card.
Why not send a happy new year/new name card mentioning how amicable the situation is.
– New Year, New Me
Dear New Year: This is great and a lovely option for people who don’t want to mix holiday well wishes with news that might have a more mixed response.
Dear Eric: Most of my friends knew of my separation and eventual divorce. My card that year was me in leather pants, sweater and boots all dolled up on the back of a motorcycle with three hot guys, with a big smile and a thumbs up. The card said, “Life is good!”
I got a lot of calls wanting to know who the guys were. My answer, “I don’t kiss and tell!”
My daughter thought I was crazy but was OK with it!
—Life Is Good
Dear Life: Wow, I laughed out loud at this. Love that you embraced your personality (and went through the trouble of staging a photoshoot)!
Dear Eric: We have two adult sons, one married, one not. They have never sent us a Christmas gift over the past 15 years, and they both live far away. Daughter-in-law acts as if we don’t exist.
Can we feel OK about not sending them a gift?
– Parents That Aren’t Acknowledged
Dear Parents: Yes. Gifts aren’t going to get you any closer to resolving what’s going on with your sons. I’d forgo gift-giving and try to have an open, honest conversation about your relationship.
Dear Eric: My 60-year-old son and his 89-year-old father (my ex) had a horrible verbal blow-up 10 months ago.
They are both very strong-willed and neither will talk or apologize. I have talked with both of them to no avail. Is there any chance this standoff can be resolved?
– Caught in the Middle
Dear Middle: There is a chance it can be resolved, but it all has to come from them.
This can be hard to accept, as you have connections to both and presumably want the best for both of them. But they aren’t your responsibility.
Focus on your relationship with your son and, if you have one, your relationship with your ex. They have to do the work of reconciling on their own. And if their blowup starts to infringe on your relationships with them, talk about that. You don’t have to suffer just because they’re not getting along.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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