Dear Eric: My infirm 83-year-old parents (stroke, blindness and memory issues) live with my husband and me.
My parents built their lives around their children and grandchildren, personally and financially. Mom was their free full-time daycare until graduation. My parents also paid for my brother’s house in cash. Family is Mom’s reason for living.
But recently my brother brutally cut her out of his life.
We don’t know if he’s mad that she moved in with us four years ago, even though he was not offering. We don’t know if he is somehow angry that she recently fell and broke her neck at his house. Or maybe he hates her for slowly losing her memory.
He wrote her a cruel letter saying she was a “stupid person,” that I’m a loser and my perfect dad was pathetic and weak.
My mom may need neurosurgery on her neck. She desperately wants my brother there, yet he has blocked all of us. We are not allowed to step foot on his lawn.
I personally would love to cut him off, but my mom cries every day. She trembles, she can’t eat, she calls his phone all the time. No answer. He’s vicious.
I wrote him a long, fair and vulnerable letter. I’ve sent post cards and left texts and messages begging him to just call his mom. I’ve asked family to get involved. Nothing. He married my best friend from high school, and she also has turned heartless.
I know it’s easy advice to just cut him off, but my mother cannot. She is literally dying of a broken heart. I would do anything to ease her emotional pain in her last years. I can’t stand to see her suffer.
What can I do? Walking away is not an option.
– The Good Daughter
Dear Daughter: What an awful situation. I’m so sorry for your parents and I’m sorry you’re stuck in the middle. There are helpful books on family estrangement that can provide insight and strategies (“Family Estrangement” by Kylie Agllias; “Home Truths” by Lucy Blake; “Fault Lines” by Karl Pillemer). But the most pressing issue is providing comfort to your mother.
The hard truth is that you may not be able to make this better for her. You’ve tried every avenue, it sounds like. So, the task now may be sitting with your mother in her grief and supporting her.
That’s hard work. But it’s better to grieve with a loved one than to do it alone.
The way that you love your mother through this is by doing what you’ve been doing – showing up, showing her love, listening to her. If she has the capacity, you might also consider taking her to a family therapist, who can help her process this.
Dear Eric: I have a buddy that I reconnected with after more than 10 years. I’ve known him 40 years. He lives in another state about seven hours away. I enjoy chatting with him and we cut up a lot.
The problem is he calls two or three times a day. He is 80 years old in good health, very active and a single guy.
He did lose his wife about two years ago, but he has lots of friends and family in the same city.
It drives me nuts for him to call so much. I’ve tried not answering and suggested texting is better for me. He continues to call multiple times a day.
Telling him once a day at most is OK would make him mad. What do I do?
– High Call Volume
Dear Call: You have to risk making him mad. It’s the only way that he’s going to clearly hear you saying what you need.
Maybe he’s not picking up on your suggestions about texting. Maybe he’s lonely and not in the habit of finding other outlets to help him. The only way to find out and help him (and yourself) is clear communication.
I’m curious why you think he’d get mad if you asked to reduce the number of calls. This is a very reasonable ask, especially if made kindly and with an understanding that it’s hard to reach out sometimes.
If his response to you communicating about your capacity is to get angry, that’s a feeling he has to own and deal with. And if you fear that you’ll hurt him by asking him to cut down on the calls, there are ways of saying it gently. For instance, “I really love talking to you and I’m really glad we reconnected. I want to keep this up. But I’m not always up for multiple calls a day. It’s not about you; I always look forward to our conversations. Can we try to fit it all into one call or save it until the next day?”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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