DEAR HARRIETTE: It’s been about two years since my mom passed away. The “big C” had its way with her.
Before she died, she gave my siblings and me everything she had, everything she could think of. She purchased a large home for us and left everything else in a trust for the four of us to share.
Most of us were already settled, so only my youngest sister inhabited the new home our mom gave to us. The home was paid in full, so she’s responsible for paying the taxes only. We found out that for the past year, she has defaulted on paying the taxes.
The rest of us want to repay her debt and sell the home, but she refuses.
The home is in all our names, so we can’t move forward without her cooperation. How do you reason with someone who simply doesn’t care?
— Wake Up
DEAR WAKE UP: This may be the time when you get a lawyer to intervene.
Find out what the debt implications are. What happens if the bills aren’t paid? Let her know this — or have an attorney explain it to her.
You may need to sue her to gain control over the property. While this will likely cause dissension in the family, it may be necessary. Otherwise, you may all lose the treasured family home.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My adult daughters absolutely refuse to call or visit their father, and it’s become a constant point of tension in our family.
I’m still married to him, and while they love me, they make it clear they want nothing to do with him. They grew up watching me handle almost everything in the household all while working full time. Meanwhile, their dad was emotionally distant and rarely helpful, and he often acted like any family responsibility was an inconvenience.
Now that they’re older, they tell me that he’s selfish and that I deserve better. They insist I should divorce him and “start fresh,” but they don’t understand how complicated that feels at my age.
I’ve spent decades with this man. I don’t want to be lonely and, though I don’t want to divide the family even further, the idea of starting over is overwhelming.
I’m tired of being stuck in the middle. My daughters think I’m making excuses for him, and my husband gets defensive whenever I bring up their feelings.
I feel like I’m being pulled in two different directions: loyalty to the man I built a life with and loyalty to my daughters who only want what they think is best for me.
How do I navigate this without alienating either side? How do I make peace with the fear of being alone if I’m starting to wonder whether my daughters might actually be right?
— In the Middle
DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Your adult daughters can make their own choices about how they interact with their father as long as they are respectful. They cannot force you to do anything.
You should assess your life carefully and decide what you want for your later years. It may be scary to leave, but would that be best? If so, plot it out. If not, make peace with what you have.
Thank your daughters for their concern, but let them know you have to live your own life.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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