DEAR HARRIETTE: My birthday is around the corner, and my friends keep asking me what I want to do.
Honestly, this past year was pretty rough on me, and it was a long, lonely road. At every bend, I had to pick myself up.
It was disappointing because when I shared with friends how tough things were for me, it seemed like it went over their heads. People weren’t checking in or being supportive. It may have been that my friends were fighting their own battles, so I want to give grace, but I don’t want them to show up for me only for the good times.
I’ve decided I want to celebrate my birthday alone this year.
Should I be transparent with my friends and tell them why? What are some ways I can celebrate myself and get my aura back on track?
— Party of One
DEAR PARTY OF ONE: If you want a solo party because you really want to be alone, go for it, but if it is to punish your friends, don’t. That will backfire on you.
Instead, schedule a time to talk to your friends to express your sadness and feelings of isolation over the past year.
In terms of solo activities, what do you enjoy? You could take yourself out to lunch or dinner. What about a visit to a museum for a special art show or a date at the movies to see a new film? The same goes for a play or other live performance where you can be fully engaged and not feel awkward being by yourself.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend is throwing a retirement party for her mom. My parents were invited, so I thought it would be OK to ask my friend if I could tag along.
She responded by telling me how much it hurt her not to be invited to my mom’s retirement party a couple of months back. For context, our families have been super close for nearly 20 years. Her parents were in attendance, as well as some other mutual friends, so she couldn’t make sense of why she wasn’t included.
I completely understand where she was coming from and why she felt left out. We did a small dinner party with limited guests for my mom, but one of my other best friends did attend. I apologized profusely and she accepted, but I know the hurt is still there.
Things have changed a bit over the years, especially since this friend got married and became a mother. I didn’t mean to exclude her, but I can see how much my decision hurt her.
How can I make it up to my friend?
— Forgotten Friend
DEAR FORGOTTEN FRIEND: Do you see the irony in this situation? The only difference seems to be that your friend didn’t ask you in the moment if she could come to your mother’s celebration.
The question remains: Why didn’t you invite your best friend to your mother’s event? It’s perfectly understandable that her feelings would be hurt. If it was due to limited space, perhaps you should have discussed it with her, especially since you invited another friend to attend.
Apologize from the deepest place in your heart. Tell her you did not mean to hurt her. Admit that you have not felt as close since her life has changed. Acknowledge that you miss her and want to repair the rift.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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