DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am proud of my mantel Christmas display. I have a number of rustic Santa Claus figurines, and I wrap clear, twinkling lights around them. I have received compliments on the display.
My sister commented that it looks like Santa threw up on my mantel. I didn’t know how to respond.
GENTLE READER: Trust Miss Manners: It is better for sibling relations that you did not have a snappy comeback like, “Yes. He had too much of your eggnog.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance from church asked if I had any holiday plans. I mentioned that I was spending a couple of days visiting my father between Christmas and New Year’s.
“Oh, that sounds like fun!” she enthused.
My father has been moved into a dementia ward this year. I have spent the last year in phone calls with him listening as he has slowly forgotten where I live (I moved here 30 years ago), what I do for a living (the same job for 27 years), and, sometimes, what we talked about five minutes earlier.
I am going to see him because it may well be the last time I do so while he still remembers me. I hope that it will not be a miserable time, but I am hard-pressed to describe it as “fun.”
Is there a proper way to respond to a comment like this that reflects my somber feelings about the matter without coming across as though I intend to make the speaker feel guilty?
GENTLE READER: It seems right to clarify the situation: It will explain why you do not appear to be enthusiastic now, and it will allow her to strike the right tone if she inquires about the visit after the holidays.
Miss Manners would have you say something simple like, “Actually, he is not in good health, so it will likely be a bit difficult.” But the tone is much more important than the words, and here you need to err on the side of not overemphasizing the negative: What you are looking for is serious, without being in any way funereal.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I used to love hosting dinner parties, bringing friends together for good food and lively conversation. But the fun has gone out of it because just about everyone tells me about their specific dietary preferences.
This one is vegetarian. (I can work with that.) That one requires gluten-free. Another has embraced keto, which means low carbs. One of my closest friends told me that he no longer eats cheese, or any other dairy, out of animal welfare concerns. Someone else avoids sugar.
I stopped inviting one acquaintance who is vegan, even though he’s delightful company. It’s just too much trouble!
I’m happy, of course, to accommodate serious food allergies. But is there a way to ask people to put aside their “preferences” so that I can prepare an inspired menu?
GENTLE READER: You could try billing it as a foodie event, whatever that is. But will that protect you from hearing about how much everyone doesn’t like eggplant? Or how affectionate octopus are? Or restore any of the fun? Probably not.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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