DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a very cliquey condo community, and I feel left out when I don’t get invited to the lunches or dinners out with the other ladies. And then I feel even more left out when someone who moved out of our community still gets included in these events.
I know I can’t say anything about this to the people in question. I just need to know how to not feel so hurt. Please give me some words of wisdom.
GENTLE READER: Two words: Invite them.
Miss Manners would like to remind you gently that a condo is not high school. People form friendships for various reasons, but they are not likely to take gleeful pleasure in excluding certain individuals. (Apologies to the nice high school students. She didn’t mean you.)
Rather, your neighbors probably got used to socializing with the same people and simply don’t think of adding you to the guest list. And the former neighbor is still included because she became their friend — which is what you should take the initiative to do.
One way is to strike up a conversation and then suggest coffee or lunch. If your building has a common area, go there with a book and be on the lookout for anyone approachable. The elevator or the mail room will also do, or the condo board meetings.
You could post a notice asking if anyone would like to get up a game of bridge, or whatever you might play. Or you could knock on a neighbor’s door and introduce yourself, even if you do not need to borrow a cup of sugar.
And yes, you can do that. It just requires taking advantage of having outgrown one’s shy teenage years.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance is expecting her first child soon, and I would like to send some kind of gift.
I have known her since we were young children, but I currently engage with her only occasionally, in a professional (yet friendly) capacity.
I am not sure what is appropriate, or whether giving a gift in this context — when I am only on the periphery of her social and professional circles — could somehow be considered rude. I really just want to do something nice, but I’m not sure what is correct.
GENTLE READER: People do not generally express rudeness through presents. Unless, of course, they send objects that are set to explode when opened.
Nevertheless, Miss Manners appreciates your delicacy in not wanting to make this old acquaintance feel that she has been socially neglectful of you, and that she must, for example, hastily ask that you be added to the guest list for the baby shower.
You could avoid that by waiting until the baby is born, and then sending a token present with your congratulations — nothing overwhelming, and perhaps with a fond reference to your shared childhoods.
Anyone who is not touched with that, much less anyone who would consider it rude, should probably not be rearing a child.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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