DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had lunch with a person I consider to be a Very Good Friend. This is someone I see a few times each month and with whom I have traveled.
My friend was excited about a new gourmet group they were forming — a rotating dinner party. I told my friend that the idea seemed fun and that I was interested.
The next time we met up, my friend raised the subject of the group once again. I was shocked and upset when I was told, in a roundabout way, that I would not be included.
My friend said, “I am going to be very selective about who I include because there are some people who seem to think ‘the more, the merrier,’ and we just can’t have that. The time you asked me to include your mother at Easter, my table was at its max capacity.”
I was shocked. That request was made 10 years ago and was cheerfully accommodated. I would have stayed home with Mother had I been rebuffed. To have this held as a trespass on my part is very upsetting.
I no longer wish to be considered for this “elite” group. Do I have a choice, other than complaining or abandoning the friendship?
GENTLE READER: You do have a choice, but it’s not a tasty one.
Your Very Rude Friend is expecting that you will promise not to transgress again, after which you will be issued an invitation to the new group. If you understandably do not wish to eat crow as a precursor to more gourmet delicacies, you should abandon hope of entry into the new group, abandon the friendship, or both.
Although she generally agrees that guests are not supposed to ask to bring additional guests, Miss Manners notes that an advance discussion about a mother at an Easter dinner might have been raised in an inoffensive way — and that 10 years is a long time to hold a grudge.
[That question was answered previously in the Asking Eric column. Here’s what he said.]
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a small, family-owned business where a few employees have dietary restrictions, some by choice and some by medical necessity.
I love to cook and bake at home, and since it is just myself and my partner, I often have extra portions. Is it rude to bring food to share at the workplace that doesn’t meet the restrictions of all employees?
For example, I recently made a delicious apple crisp and had a large amount left over the next day. But it was neither gluten-free nor vegan, so I hesitated to bring the extra to work to share — even though the majority of employees would have enjoyed it.
GENTLE READER: It would be rude to provide a meal that did not have some options that all your guests could eat. But that is not the situation you describe.
No one is relying on — or even expecting — apple crisp in the break room. What you propose would not, therefore, be rude. As long as your offerings are clearly labeled, your colleagues can make their own decisions about whether to indulge.
Still, Miss Manners cannot reassure you that such technical adherence to the law will shield you from the righteous fury of the unfed.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Leave a Reply