Dear Eric: I have friends who have Alexa in their homes, and I understand that Alexa is a valuable tool when used as indicated. I also understand that it “listens” to any conversation carried on in its presence.
This bothers me, because we often have intimate and/or professional conversations.
Is this a legitimate concern, or am I being paranoid? Also, if it is a legitimate concern, how do I address my concerns with friends?
– No Eavesdropping
Dear No Eavesdropping: Without getting too in the weeds about the ins and outs of smart devices, Alexa and devices like Google Assistant and Siri, are designed to listen for their “wake” word and then record, analyze and store what comes after.
There are times when these devices “mishear” (for lack of a more accurate term) the sounds around them and wake. Maybe someone says “Alexa” on a TV show and the device in your house responds, or maybe someone in the room says something that sounds to the device like the wake word.
Users can stop these devices from listening by turning off the microphone or they can make other privacy adjustments, like deleting recorded conversations. When you visit a home with a smart device, you can ask that your friends do this for your comfort.
This is less about paranoia than it is about how we interact with the technology around us. While it is increasingly common to be monitored and tracked by smart devices and other tools, it isn’t always a requirement. I’m sometimes perplexed by how many machines in my house need access to the Wi-Fi in order to function, supposedly. Why must my toaster be surfing the web?
It behooves all of us to think about how we want to engage with technology. We can’t control what’s going on with the cellphone in a stranger’s pocket, but we can make requests of friends.
There’s no shame in saying to your friends, “I know this is a useful tool and I don’t begrudge you for having it. But for the length of our conversation, can it just be us in the room?”
Dear Eric: I am all too aware that this problem pales in comparison with some of the more serious issues with which you deal on a regular basis.
However, my wife of more than 40 years and I have had a longstanding truce regarding the daily crossword puzzle and Jumble in our newspaper. She does the former and I do the latter.
Of late, however, she has taken to completing my Jumble. And woe be to me if I so much as breathe on the crossword.
Please don’t suggest counseling, as I always picture The Lockhorns and Dr. Pullman.
– Jumbled
Dear Jumbled: As a big proponent of local journalism (how could I not be?) I suggest you get a second subscription, so each of you has your pick of the puzzles.
In addition, however, ask her what’s changed about your longstanding truce. This might be a tiny ripple in the surface of your marriage, but if she’s disregarding your wants and a 40-year practice, it’s worth finding out why.
Dear Eric: Since we’re finished with another holiday season, I have this question for you: What is the best way to handle demands from party hosts that you take leftovers home with you?
Sometimes I just didn’t like what they made; why take any home with me?
I’ve tried politely saying no thank you, but they insist. I’ve explained I’m going on vacation in a few days and have to eat up my own food, or I just made a big meal myself that’s taking up space in my fridge. I’ve tried using dietary needs as an excuse, but close family knows I don’t have any.
Sometimes they react with hurt feelings, sometimes they get mad. I can’t stand food waste so I’m not going to take it and toss it when I get home. What else can I do?
– Your Leftovers, Not Mine
Dear Leftovers: No, or no thank you, is a complete sentence. If you can’t take, or don’t want to take, the food, you don’t have to. The host has to be responsible for their feelings about this.
However, remember that, for many, the offer of leftovers is part of the hospitality. They might not see the leftovers as “their” leftovers. So, when you decline, they might feel an important part of their lovingly prepared meal is being rejected.
You can try to head this off at the pass by saying before a meal, or even when the invite goes out, that you don’t like to take leftovers and you want to avoid any hurt feelings. You can also pivot the request by asking the hosts if there are any friends or neighbors who might need or appreciate the meal.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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