DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend just lost his mom suddenly and tragically. He has barely been able to function during this time, so I took on the responsibility of making the arrangements to honor her life.
I knew his mom, too, so it was hard having to stow away my grief, but I know he was grateful.
My boyfriend’s ex showed up to the funeral. His entire family is familiar with her, so at the repast, she was greeting everyone, fixing plates for aunts and uncles, thanking people on the mic and checking on my boyfriend all too often. I was occupied with making sure all things were going as they were supposed to.
I hate to be so jealous and self-centered during a time like this, but her behavior felt inappropriate.
I don’t want to make a fuss about it with my boyfriend because he’s already dealing with so much, but his ex didn’t mind using this sensitive time as an opportunity to worm her way back in. Why should I have to keep quiet while she tries to parade herself back into his life in the most distasteful way?
— Grief and Jealousy
DEAR GRIEF AND JEALOUSY: Some of the worst behavior shows its face at funerals and during times of grief. Some people probably saw this woman for who she is, while others may not even know they aren’t together anymore. You cannot worry about those perceptions.
It is OK, though, for you to make a comment to your boyfriend. Without belaboring it, you can admit that you felt uncomfortable when his ex took on such a big role during the funeral. Tell him the truth: You were feeling jealous. You don’t like that this happened, but you wanted to share it with him.
You are allowed to have feelings at this moment. He should be aware of how you were impacted by his ex’s display. Make sure he knows you aren’t asking him to do anything beyond acknowledging how you feel.
During this tender period, lean on each other. You can share stories with him of memories of his mother and how she impacted you. Be a great listener. Invite him to talk about her as much as he needs and wants to. Be there for each other.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day, but I don’t like to buy into it. Expectations seem ridiculously high for this manufactured holiday.
I have a relatively new girlfriend. I like her a lot, but I’m not into this day. I have told her as much, and she seems disappointed.
I absolutely hate that I become the bad guy if I don’t want to bow to this nonsense. How can I let her know I care about her without falling into this consumerist trap?
— Not a Fan
DEAR NOT A FAN: This is a tough one, as expectations are through the roof for this holiday. A huge industry supports it, so most people feel the pressure — regardless of their relationship status. No matter what you say to your girlfriend, she will be thinking about this day.
You can’t totally ignore it. That won’t make it go away. Why not do something with your girlfriend so that you are together?
Remind her that you don’t celebrate the holiday, but you do celebrate her. Have fun together. Make a meaningful moment so that she has pleasant memories of how you spent the day.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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