Dear Eric: I was in a relationship with a man 45 years ago whom I loved more than I loved anyone in my life. Then he married someone.
He didn’t tell me, I heard it from a colleague.
I was able to get myself together with a lot of counseling. I married a wonderful man who loves me with all his heart, and I love him the same.
I was able to stay away from the first man for many years. Recently, he has come back into my life through mutual friends. He is now married to a different woman.
When I see him and his wife, I get the flight-or-fight response and have to pull myself together.
He and I recently had coffee together. Everything was fine until he said he wanted to let me know what a special person I had been in his life. I know he said it because he is older and facing health issues and wants to make amends before he dies. He cried and told me he would always love me.
After a few days, I called him and asked him not to tell me that as it made me relive the past trauma. But now I can’t stop thinking about it.
I am 70 and I can’t find a counselor with my age and experience to help me. I don’t know how to manage my feelings.
– Past Love
Dear Past: What he said may have made him feel better, but it wasn’t actually for your benefit. An amends includes an acknowledgement of the harm caused, an apology and an effort to right what was set wrong, if possible. Telling you that he would always love you is not that. That’s sentiment and nostalgia and, in my view, unkind.
But you aren’t trapped in his imperfect narrative. Focus on what you need.
Part of this is internal, forgiving any part of yourself that feels bad for holding on to the hurt and comforting the younger version of yourself that is still alive inside you and vividly feeling that hurt.
Part of this is external: blocking his number and taking steps not to engage with him. A letter might be useful, expressing that you forgive him (if you do) but that any friendship in the present isn’t possible. You might also let your mutual friends know that it’s simply healthiest for you that you and he not engage.
Also consider talking to a counselor who may not share your age and experience but does have a background in healing past traumas. What’s most important is that you remember that your feelings aren’t faults and what happened to you doesn’t have to define you.
Dear Eric: We are three women in our early 70s. We have been friends since junior high school. We now live about an hour away from each other. We are all active and we still drive.
The problem is that no matter what time we decide to meet, one friend is always late, even when it’s in her city. Not 10 or 15 minutes, but 45 to an hour.
Our last lunch date was for 1 p.m. She arrived at 2:50. We had already eaten and were drinking coffee. Offering no apology, she sat down and ordered as if nothing was wrong!
My other friend is tired, as this is now the norm. I have thought about telling the latecomer that we’re meeting an hour earlier than the actual time, but my other friend says it’s a lack of respect to us that we have to wait on her each time we meet.
What do I do or say that has not been said or done already?
– Always On Time
Dear Time: This habit is an obstacle, and it does communicate that her time is more valuable than yours, or – perhaps worse – that she doesn’t value your time together. This may not be what she wants to communicate, so tell her that’s what you’re feeling.
There may be things going on that keep her from being on time; she may find it harder to manage her life than she’s letting on. But you can neither know nor accommodate if no one is talking about it.
Present it as an invitation to keep your friendship healthy. “When you arrive much later than the time we agreed to, I feel hurt and disrespected. I value your friendship and I want to spend time with you. How can we fix this?”
If you just give her the wrong time, hoping that she’ll accidentally show up when you’re expecting her, you’re taking on more work and it’s going to keep you frustrated. Better to acknowledge what’s going on and ask her to play a role in making future lunch dates successful.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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