DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently started a new job, and I feel as if my leaders don’t care about my development.
I ask my manager in our one-on-one meetings if there are specific things that I can work on to become more proficient at the job. She always says that I am doing well and that there’s nothing in particular that I need to work on.
On the surface, that sounds reassuring, but I have a feeling that it’s not the full truth. There are moments when I sense hesitation in her tone or notice small corrections in my work that she never brings up in our formal conversations. It leaves me confused about where I stand at the company.
I don’t want to come across as insecure, but I want constructive feedback so I can grow and add more value to the team. As someone who is ambitious and wants to succeed, I worry that I might plateau if I don’t get honest guidance.
How can I encourage more transparent feedback without seeming pushy toward my manager? How do I know whether my instincts are right, or if I’m just overthinking the situation?
— Unstable Footing
DEAR UNSTABLE FOOTING: Look around at your company or in your industry. You need a mentor, someone in whom you can confide about what’s happening and gain insight into a strategy for moving forward.
Continue to check in with your boss regularly, asking for tips on improving your skills or handling particular tasks, but trust your gut and seek out additional support.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Whenever I share a conflict, dilemma or even something I’m skilled at with a particular friend of mine, I’ve noticed that she responds by overexplaining it back to me — often as if I don’t fully understand my own situation or abilities.
For example, if I talk through a personal issue, she’ll reframe it in basic terms, offer unsolicited lessons or explain my own feelings and motivations to me as though she’s just discovered them. If I mention a professional experience, she’ll break it down or correct me in ways that feel unnecessary and dismissive.
What bothers me most is that this is someone who considers me a peer and a friend.
I don’t think she intends to be unkind — I’ve noticed she does this to most people — but the pattern makes me feel talked down to and oddly invisible in my own life. I’ve started holding back from sharing, which doesn’t feel healthy either.
How can I tell whether this is something that can change or is a sign that our dynamic may no longer be respectful?
— Don’t Patronize Me
DEAR DON’T PATRONIZE ME: I’m going to guess that your friend believes that speaking her understanding of your situation back to you shows you that she practices active listening. Though it isn’t working in your case, that’s what her behavior indicates to me. She is listening carefully and making a real effort to add something meaningful to what you are saying by providing commentary.
Gently tell her that it bothers you deeply when she does this.
Describe how her responses sound to you. Add that while you can tell she is clearly paying close attention, what you want more than anything is for her to listen without re-explaining — just to hear you, not to try to solve anything. Tell her plainly how her way of interacting makes you feel.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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