DEAR ABBY: My grandson “Ethan” and his fiancee lived with his mother until four years ago. When they moved out, they decided not to give his parents their new address.
It has been several years since my daughter has seen her son. Apparently, they occasionally text.
Ethan was married seven months ago. He didn’t invite his parents as he felt they would “make it about themselves” and distract from his day. He said I’d be invited to his wedding and would receive a nice picture from the photographer.
The wedding date came and went. I saw pictures on social media, so I knew it had transpired. At the time, my gut feeling was that he felt awkward inviting me and his aunt when his parents weren’t included.
In the past, I have sent Ethan a check on his birthday and at Christmas and helped him financially with vehicle repairs. Although I was not invited, I sent a congratulatory card for the wedding, with a significant check enclosed. He cashed the check but did not acknowledge receipt of the card.
Because neither he nor his wife acknowledged my wedding gift, I am debating what to do for his next birthday. Should I ignore the occasion, or be an example of unconditional love and send a card?
I will not send him money, as I think it was beyond rude not to acknowledge my wedding check.
What would Dear Abby do?
— ESTRANGED BY ASSOCIATION
DEAR ESTRANGED: Dear Abby would recognize that not being invited to the wedding, after being told I would be, was a breach of etiquette. That I lovingly sent a check as a wedding gift, which was cashed with no acknowledgment, would indicate (to me) that my grandson has chosen to distance himself from me.
By all means, send a birthday card if you wish, but please don’t be surprised when it, too, garners no response.
DEAR ABBY: My 25th class reunion is coming up, and I’m debating whether to go because I’m not sure how to handle a conversation that is sure to come up.
I was very close to my classmates until five years ago, when my husband and I faced a series of family tragedies that took all of my time and energy. The worst was losing a daughter who would have been graduating this year.
I’m ready to reconnect with my old friends, but how do I deal with casual conversations without making light of the situation or being a wet blanket? If someone asks, “How is your daughter doing?” I need to have a reasonable response that isn’t going to be awful for both of us. The thought of having to talk about it makes me want to stay home. Advice?
— UNDECIDED IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR UNDECIDED: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your daughter. If someone at the reunion hasn’t already heard about her death and asks how she’s doing, respond with the truth, which is that she passed away several years ago.
If someone asks for the details, simply say you don’t want to discuss it further and change the subject.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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