Dear Eric: I am a 58-year-old woman who was diagnosed with cirrhosis three years ago. I did not have an alcoholic problem but had to give up drinking due to the condition.
I do admit I miss alcohol; however, I’m doing well every day except for holidays or events. It triggers me when I have to be somewhere where everyone else is drinking and I cannot. My in-laws are heavy drinkers (not all but quite a few).
I want to host a holiday but not allow drinking so they can understand what I go through and for support and respect. I came from a family where my father was a drug addict and alcoholic, and when he stopped the family supported him by not drinking.
I mentioned to one of my in-laws about hosting Easter, but no alcohol will be provided, nor brought in. I want them to go three to four hours without it. I received so much pushback; it made me very sad and mad.
I kept saying I would appreciate some support from them, so they know how it is like to go to an event and not drink.
To protect myself, I have decided not to spend any holidays or weddings this year with them.
This family is not from the USA but Poland. My husband was the only one born in the USA so I’m dealing with an old-school mentality. Am I doing the right thing by disassociating myself from them?
– Closed Bar
Dear Bar: Creating distance from triggering situations is a healthy first step, but it may not get to the root of what’s bothering you. It’s not just about drinking in the present, it’s about drinking culture and about your history with problem drinkers, namely your father.
I can’t speak to whether your relatives have a harmful relationship with alcohol as well, but refusing to go three to four hours without a drink is concerning to say the least. At best it shows that your mindset and theirs are far apart on this.
You’ve experienced a sudden change in your life and your relationship to alcohol, and you want some social support. They may not be the people to give it to you. Please consider checking out an Al-Anon meeting. This is a group for people who have been impacted by another person’s alcoholism.
Some of what you’re feeling now may be rooted in the experience you had with your father. It’s also possible that some of what’s triggering you about your family members’ relationship to alcohol is bringing back unresolved feelings from the past.
One doesn’t have to be an alcoholic to have a complicated relationship with alcohol or drinking culture. Start to process your feelings about drinking; it may open up new options for how you deal with your family.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have friends that we get together with only when I contact them.
We have dinner, go to concerts or the theater and always enjoy ourselves. But they never contact us or plan anything. It’s always up to me.
I have recently suggested that they plan something, to no avail. I feel used and abused. What do you advise?
– Constant Planner
Dear Planner: It may be a cold comfort, but you’re not alone in this issue. Often the “planner friend” finds themselves saddled with the permanent unpaid job of social director for their friend group, simply because they’re good at it.
A slightly warmer comfort: This kind of imbalance is rarely malicious. Sometimes friends are indecisive or even anxious about planning. Some people just like to go with the flow and are truly “fine with whatever.” Sometimes friends think, “Well, she loves to plan so I don’t want to take that away from her.”
Think about what you really want. Do you want to feel valued for your contribution to the friendship? Do you want to just show up to an event for once, instead of having to think it through? Those are slightly different objectives.
If what you want is the latter, then it’s time to make it plain to your friends. “I like hanging out with you, but I don’t like always planning. So, I’m putting the ball in your court. If and when you’d like to see us, let us know.”
I am wary of ultimatums, or statements that sound like ultimatums, however. A more successful path might be to share your frustration with your friends and ask them why they don’t plan. You may find that they aren’t really recognizing the extent of the problem, as you see it, despite your previous request. And maybe they have a perspective on social activity that will help you see the friendship in a different way, while alleviating the feeling of being used.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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