DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am getting married in a traditional church ceremony. My father, who will be giving me away, has refused to wear a tuxedo on the grounds that it is a “monkey suit,” even though all of the other men in the wedding party will be wearing one.
I gave in, because I want him to be happy and comfortable. Now he says he will not wear a tie, either. My mother and I have tricked him into wearing a nice new silk jacket and haven’t mentioned anything about him wearing shoes other than sneakers … yet.
I would give in again if I thought he was actually going to be in any real pain, but I can’t see how wearing a tie for an hour is painful.
The real problem is that he hates wearing formal clothes. I feel like his refusal to wear a tux or tie demonstrates a lack of respect for what is, to me, a deeply important formal ceremony. It feels like he cares more about not wearing formal clothes than he does about his daughter.
When I mentioned to my mother that I was unhappy about his decision, I was told an anecdote that implied that I cared more about clothes and appearances than about my father, who loves me, and that I should just take what I can get and let the rest go.
Am I really being that unreasonable?
GENTLE READER: The person who cares too much about clothes is your father.
He cares desperately about what he wears, to the extent of upsetting his beloved daughter on a unique and special occasion.
Like you, he considers formal clothes to be symbolic. But while you interpret formality as a show of respect and festivity, he believes it symbolizes snobbery. Your version is indeed the standard one, but his is typical of a (mostly male) minority.
Miss Manners agrees that one of you should put aside those feelings simply to indulge the strongly held feelings of the other, however wrong you consider them to be. Someone has to be the grown-up here. One would expect a father to do this for his daughter, especially for one hour at her wedding. But as yours refuses, you are stuck with rising above the childishness.
If guests are startled — or, more likely, amused — at your father’s being tieless and wearing sneakers, that is his problem.
He may not care about their reactions, or he may take pride in defying the dress code. You might, however, warn him that his act of rebellion might be interpreted as disapproval of the wedding.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it in bad taste to throw yourself a baby shower?
GENTLE READER: Yes, whether you are the baby, the embryo or the mother. And that goes for the mother’s mother, and anyone else in the family.
Sadly, hosting one’s own (or one’s relative’s) shower emphasizes that there are no friends who care enough to do it.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I remember reading about olden invitation cards that might say, “Tea at 5, carriages at 7:30.”
GENTLE READER: Yes, it was a polite way of saying, “Don’t think you’re staying for dinner.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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