DEAR HARRIETTE: I have three adult grandchildren I love and adore. Unfortunately, when they were growing up, I didn’t see them often; they lived three hours away from my husband, so I saw them only for the holidays.
Now that they are adults, all three of them have moved across the country, which makes the three hours seem like nothing. I regret not making the drive to see them more or putting more effort in to see them outside of just the holidays.
I want to call my grandchildren, but they seem so busy with their jobs and friends. I don’t want to bother them or annoy them, but I think about them all the time, and I want to have a relationship where I am much closer to them all. I am worried that now that they have grown up, I might have missed my chance.
I also carry so much guilt. I wonder if they feel that I didn’t care about them when they were younger, even though that couldn’t be further from the truth.
I don’t want my attempts to reconnect to be overshadowed by awkwardness, guilt or distance that was created over their lifetimes. I want them to know how much I love them, how proud I am of them and that I still want to share a life with them, even if it looks different now.
How do I connect with them without pressuring them or making them feel guilty for living their lives?
— Missing My Grands
DEAR MISSING MY GRANDS: Don’t lament the past. Think about the future.
Invite your grands to join you on a video chat. Be attentive and let them tell you about their lives. If everybody likes it, invite them again in a couple of months. Perhaps you can establish a rhythm of communicating with them — starting with every quarter.
You can also send them texts with images or messages to stay in touch. Eventually, you could plan a trip to visit each of them and let them show you their lives now.
DEAR HARRIETTE: All of my friends have partners, it seems, except for me. I haven’t found anyone who is my person, and I’m beginning to feel lonely and isolated.
My coupled friends either spend time alone as couples or, increasingly, with other couples. That leaves me out. I get it, but I don’t like it.
Do I have to find new friends? What if I never get a partner? Does that mean I will lose all my friends? What do I do?
— Single
DEAR SINGLE: A combination of what you were thinking is probably best, meaning you should expand your friend group and tell your friends that you miss them and still want to hang out with them even though they are coupled.
They may not all decide to include you, but you will have raised their awareness to the fact that they have not been inviting you to join them. It could simply be an oversight because they are thinking as twosomes now.
Remind them that you love them and miss spending time with them. Don’t expect them to invite you to everything, but speaking up for yourself will likely bring some of them around.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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