DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m in a committed relationship, but recently, I’ve found myself questioning where the line is between harmless flirting and cheating.
I haven’t physically crossed any boundaries, but there’s someone at work I have easy chemistry with. We joke, tease and sometimes exchange lingering looks or playful comments. It feels energizing, and part of me enjoys the attention, even though I would never act on it.
My partner doesn’t know about these interactions, and that’s what makes me a bit worried.
I’ve started wondering whether the secrecy itself means I’m already doing something wrong. At the same time, I don’t feel like I should have to shut down every spark of connection just because I’m in a relationship. I don’t want to hurt my partner or jeopardize what we’ve built, but I also don’t want to over-police my own behavior.
How do I define reasonable boundaries for myself without depriving myself of human connection while still respecting the integrity of my relationship?
— Flirting or Cheating
DEAR FLIRTING OR CHEATING: The fact that you have given this much thought to it means that whatever you are doing with this co-worker is more than a meaningless flirtation.
Step back and analyze the situation. What are you possibly missing at home that you derive from this co-worker? Is there a way for you to channel the energy that seems so “easy” back to your partner at home so that you focus any type of intimacy on that bond?
Let this flirtation draw you back into your partnership. Then it will have served some good.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My son moved away a couple of months ago. At the time, he told me that he was able to transfer his job, which would make the move that much more seamless.
Last week, he called me to tell me that his employment contract will terminate in a few weeks. I asked him where this was coming from, and he admitted that he knew all along that this was one of the conditions of his office transfer.
This is all news to me. He says he’s been applying and interviewing a ton, but he still hasn’t secured a new job. He asked whether I’d be willing to help him with living expenses if things don’t change in the next few weeks.
I can’t tell if I’m upset because he was dishonest or because I think the move was a poor decision. I want him to realize that he can’t always use me as a safety net. I want him to grow up, be more responsible and start making wiser, more thorough decisions.
Should I let him fend for himself so he can learn a lesson in adulthood? Is there a way to help him and get through to him?
— Safety Net
DEAR SAFETY NET: Have a direct conversation with your son. Let him know how disappointed you are that he was dishonest with you — and ultimately with himself.
Point out that he is at the age where he needs to be able to take care of himself. Give him either a timeline or a set amount of money that you will give him before you intend to stop. (A timeline is probably better for someone who is not disciplined about money.)
Tell him he has to figure out his life by then or learn how to fend for himself without you as his fallback.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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