Dear Eric: My husband has just one sibling, a brother. For many years, we all invited each other to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and other holidays.
A few years ago, my brother-in-law and his wife stopped inviting us. (They still invite my husband’s parents to everything).
We don’t know the reason; there was no fight or misunderstanding or awkward interactions. We in turn no longer invite them to our smaller occasions. Weddings and other big occasions are different; everyone is invited.
However, every time we are celebrating our birthdays or anniversary, my husband starts insisting on inviting his brother. No matter how many times I remind him that they no longer invite us, he says it is still his only sibling and it’s important to him that his brother be there.
I refuse to agree to invite them. The only exception I make is for my husband’s birthday, because that’s him we are celebrating so he can invite them if he wants. They attend his birthday but do not reciprocate. It’s very weird.
I still cannot figure out why it’s important to have people at our table who do not care about seeing us at theirs.
Can you help me formulate a response that would stop my husband from asking me to invite them? Apparently my saying no every time for years and explaining why is not sufficient.
I am tired of these arguments, and it does not change anything. I need an ironclad reason that he will agree with.
– Tired of the One-Way Street
Dear Street: You and your husband are both operating from a place of hurt feelings, which is understandable. And you’re trying to find a way to balance the scales – a slight for a slight. But what you really want is to not be hurt at all. And so, trading slights is not going to get you there.
Ask the brother-in-law and his wife why they stopped inviting you and ask that they start again. They might agree, they might refuse, they might claim that you stopped inviting them first. There’s no way to know without a conversation.
No matter what, talking about it puts the focus where it should be: the misalliance between the households, rather than the conflict between you and your husband.
He’s not holding this position to spite you, and I don’t believe you’re holding your position to spite him either. But meeting his request with an unbudging “no” is only going to hurt the two of you.
The brother-in-law and his wife may be treating you unfairly, but there’s no reason you should let that unfairness poison the relationship between you and your husband. If he wants to invite his brother, even if the invites aren’t reciprocated, what is the harm?
Dear Eric: I love my mother dearly but at 84 she has reached the point of rambling.
She is still fully in control of her capabilities and is mentally acute, but her conversations are now filled with details about friends of friends and their problems, health issues, et cetera.
It would be one thing if I knew these people, but the people she talks about are people even she doesn’t know — they’re people her friends know.
She has several friends, and our family keeps her engaged, so she is in contact with people daily and I don’t think she’s lonely, per se.
Lately, while she’s carrying on, I simply read something while she’s talking or pull the phone away from my ear. Short of that, any suggestions?
– Rambling Relative
Dear Relative: I write this with kindness – my most emphatic suggestion is that you adjust your attitude about this.
Yes, it can be annoying to hear about people one doesn’t know or to listen to anyone who is rambling. I’m not saying you’re being unreasonable. But I wonder how annoying these conversations would be if, every time your mind wandered, you focused on how grateful you are to have the chance to talk to your mother and to have a loving relationship with her.
Without putting too fine a bow on things, sometimes small issues with others are actually places where we can work on acceptance and gratitude.
That said, there are some other proactive things you can do to steer the conversation.
Your mother clearly wants to talk to you. Try directing her attention by asking her leading questions about herself, her past, her opinions and her memories.
It’s also fine to say, “Mom, I’m enjoying talking to you, but I don’t know who these people are so it’s hard for me to follow. Can we talk about [another subject of your choosing] instead?”
Your mom wants to share her thoughts with you; you want to spend time with your mom. Keep those two goals top of mind.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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