DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a late-middle-aged gentleman who has been an atheist for about 35 years. I have been open about this fact but do not advertise it carelessly.
Most of my family and dear friends are devoutly religious people who are aware that I am an atheist. They frequently offer to pray for me or ask that I pray for them.
When people offer prayers on my behalf, I answer with something like “Thank you. That’s so very kind of you to keep me in your prayers.” But what do I do when people ask me to pray for them?
I currently say that I will, but that feels dishonest and inauthentic because I do not pray. However, I don’t want to come across as uncaring to my family and friends in their hours of need. What response would you recommend?
GENTLE READER: “I am not religious, but I certainly wish you well and will keep you in my thoughts.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is extremely frugal with money (maybe too much so) and we don’t spend much outside of bills or basic necessities.
My parents, on the other hand, go out to eat pretty much daily, sometimes twice daily; they rarely cook. I thought this would change when they both retired, but it has not.
My husband is very uncomfortable with this. When we are visiting my parents, he tells me I need to speak up and tell them that we cannot afford to go out so much, not to mention that constant restaurant food doesn’t make us feel good.
We have told them all this before, and they don’t want to change their habits or give up their fun. What usually happens is they end up picking up the tab, which still makes my husband and myself uncomfortable.
We don’t want to take advantage, but they don’t listen to us. They have told me that it just isn’t as fun when you can’t go out to dinner.
During these visits, we are usually in the car with them on long day trips, so we’re not always able to just go home and cook. On a side note, my father is having quadruple bypass surgery next week, and we know the eating habits over the years have affected this.
GENTLE READER: Your parents and your husband would each like to follow their respective normal patterns. Miss Manners understands you to prefer your husband’s approach, and you have provided her with a menu of reasons: lower expenses, better health, greater comfort and — for the guests, at least — lesser embarrassment (at not contributing to the cost).
Some of these dishes are not very filling. The parents/hosts bearing a disproportionate share of the expense is not surprising, and should not be a cause of embarrassment as long as proper gratitude is expressed. Healthfulness can be argued, Miss Manners suspects, though it is out of her area of expertise.
But why not simply offer to cook a specific menu for a specific meal at your parents’ home? A compromise is harder to refuse — and less insulting than general criticisms of others’ choices.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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