DEAR HARRIETTE: A former boyfriend is having a big birthday, and I want to do something for him. The problem is that he stopped talking to me months ago.
We had an argument, and he ghosted me. Later, he sent me an informational message on social media, but we have had little communication besides that.
I’m not trying to reignite our relationship; I just want to do something nice for him for his birthday. What would be appropriate?
— Birthday Boy
DEAR BIRTHDAY BOY: Don’t go overboard. Clearly, he wants to keep his distance from you.
Send him a chipper text wishing him a special day. Ask for nothing and expect nothing. You need to let him go.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My 19-year-old daughter is insecure about how she looks. She cries all the time and blames me for her appearance.
I have no clue how to help her because every time I say that she is beautiful, she says I’m only saying that because I’m her mother. She is surrounded by social media images, unrealistic beauty standards and constant comparisons, and I fear that these influences have shaped how she sees herself way more than I ever could.
I feel helpless watching her struggle with such intense self-criticism at such a young age. I worry about how deeply rooted these feelings are and whether they will follow her into adulthood.
I don’t know how to support her in a way that reaches her without making her feel dismissed or misunderstood. I asked her if she would like to go to therapy to help her gain confidence in herself, but she said that she is not interested.
How can I help my daughter build confidence and self-worth when she doesn’t believe anything positive I say and refuses professional help?
— Self-Confidence
DEAR SELF-CONFIDENCE: Your daughter needs to see images beyond the beauty standards on social media to begin to gain a better view of herself.
Take her to museums where there are images of people from around the world. Look for exhibitions that showcase different representations of beauty.
AI can be your friend in this situation: Go to ChatGPT or the like and upload your daughter’s photo. Ask who she looks like, and then see what images pop up. It will help her see that she is not alone.
Remind her that many images she sees online have been manipulated in some way, and often the people she sees on her phone don’t look like that in real life.
Beauty is relative, and you want her to get to understand that. Friends of mine who just got married began their relationship because one of them, an artist, noticed the other, a writer, and thought she looked like an African sculpture. Classic standard of beauty? No, but Julia represented timeless African beauty to Jimmy, and they ultimately married many years later.
Your daughter needs to “find her tribe.” Her unique beauty will be appreciated somewhere.
Meanwhile, remind her what my mother used to say: “Beauty is as beauty does.” True beauty exists within you based on how you treat people, not how you look.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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