It recently dawned on me that I’m terrible at asking for help. But, to be fair, I never really needed to lean on others. Earlier this year, however, I developed pregnancy complications that required me to go on “modified bed rest” — a medical recommendation to restrict your activity levels. If I wanted a hearty home-cooked meal, someone would need to cook for me. My partner had to take over my dog walking responsibilities. I needed assistance changing my sheets, cleaning my apartment, bringing packages inside, and grocery shopping.
Asking for help, I’ve discovered, is tremendously difficult. Doing so puts you in a vulnerable position that can stir up intense feelings of failure and shame, especially in a place like the United States, where social norms emphasize independence. Feeling anxious about needing help is also common if you are a perfectionist who likes control, are part of a marginalized group that’s been conditioned to feel like a burden, or have a history of neglect or abuse and have learned to not rely on others, says Janelle Peifer, a licensed clinical psychologist and associate professor at the University of Richmond.
This can be true no matter your exact situation. Maybe you’re really struggling after getting laid off or divorced. Or, perhaps, you just need a quick favor like an extra pair of hands packing up your apartment or a fresh set of eyes on your resume. Either way, it can feel awkward.
But depending on others doesn’t need to be so daunting, and with a bit of preparation and a few shifts in your perspective, it can become not only easier, but also a powerful way to strengthen your connections. May I present: A quick guide to not shrinking inside yourself next time you need something from someone. Here we go:
Think about how good it feels to help others
When I first started reaching out to friends for favors, I felt like I was majorly inconveniencing them. “If you’re someone who hasn’t asked for help a lot or often, then it’s a big, scary thing to do,” Cassidy Dallas, a psychotherapist in Westford, Massachusetts, tells Vox.
Something that helped me get over that discomfort is reflecting on times I’ve helped other people — and I highly recommend you do the same. Maybe you helped a friend get ready to defend their master’s thesis, cooked a meal for a family member when they were sick, or simply brought a neighbor’s package inside. You probably didn’t feel like that person was a needy pest. The more likely scenario is that you felt great afterward, which is likely exactly how your crew feels when they do something for you, says Dallas.
Research shows that lending a helping hand — whether that is through volunteering, giving blood, donating money, or just making small gestures — is a potent mood booster. That’s because your body releases feel-good chemicals, like oxytocin (the love hormone), dopamine (a neurotransmitter linked to reward and pleasure), and serotonin (another mood-lifting hormone). In fact, many say they get a “helper’s high” when they give back.
Make a list of the tasks you need help with
Take a minute to jot down all of the tasks you need help with, and be as clear and specific as possible. The more abstract your requests, the harder it is for others to understand what you actually need and the less likely those tasks are to get done, says Peifer.
For instance, if you have surgery coming up, you might want 10 freezer meals. Or if you’re picking up extra shifts at work to pay for an unexpected and very expensive car repair, you could ask a neighbor to let your dog out at dinnertime. If nothing comes to mind immediately, sit with a close friend, partner, or therapist and put together a list, Peifer says.
Having a “menu” of asks ready to go will prevent you from drawing a blank next time someone asks the loaded question: “How can I help?” says Peifer. Instead, you’ve already gotten comfortable recognizing your needs and will be able to respond with a clear, actionable request.
Think about who might be best suited for each task
Once you have your task list fleshed out, think about who might be best suited for each item, Dallas says. My mom, for example, is an excellent deep cleaner, my dad’s an A+ dog walker, and my sister-in-law loves to cook.
“People take on different roles. You don’t need somebody to be all things for you,” Peifer says. Playing to someone’s strengths shows that you see and appreciate who they are, she adds, and increases the likelihood they’ll enjoy helping out. Better yet, it can be a practice in gratitude for you, too, reminding you just how many people you’ve got in your corner, says Dallas.
Pay attention to the small clues people share about what they enjoy, Dallas suggests. Maybe a friend casually told you in passing a while back that they love driving — a hint they’d be happy to give you a ride to the grocery store — or mentioned how much fun they have spending time with kids, signaling they might be a great babysitter. And if you’re unsure, it’s perfectly okay to ask what they’d enjoy doing.
Pick a “help advocate”
Even if you make the list and play to people’s strengths, you may still find it tough to receive help (I know I do). Friends often check in and ask if there’s anything they can do for me…and I picture them schlepping on the subway from Manhattan to Jersey City with a tray of lasagna and tell them, “I’m good!”
This is where a help advocate — or designated person to delegate tasks — can be super beneficial, says Peifer. Maybe your partner, a best friend, or a family member steps into the role. That way, you don’t have to directly tell people what you need if doing so makes you recoil. You make the list, you share it with your point person, and they coordinate the help, Peifer says.
Know your limits — and when help is needed
If you’re going through a rough patch or are generally overwhelmed with to-dos, you may find it challenging to gauge what you’re even capable of. “Humans tend to overestimate what they’re going to be able to get done in a certain amount of time or what they’re able to achieve,” says Peifer. As such, you may presume you’re capable of, say, keeping up with your typical work responsibilities when you’re simply not.
To avoid this, Peifer recommends setting some parameters in advance — i.e., “if/then statements” — that will help you recognize your own limits. For example, if you go three days without eating dinner, then it’s time to ping a friend and ask for help figuring out a few palatable and easy meals. Emotionally, maybe you’re finding it tough to get out of bed every morning or cry multiple times a day. “Those are all early indicators that it’s time to engage with your help-seeking behaviors,” says Peifer.
Setting these parameters when you’re in a clearer headspace will give you the tools to know when it’s officially time to reach out, says Peifer. That way, you’ll be primed to ask and receive support before your situation escalates into a full-blown crisis. And if you aren’t able to do that because something unexpected happened, keep an eye on how you’re doing with meeting your basic needs: If you’re struggling to eat, sleep, wake up, go to work, or complete basic hygiene and cleanliness tasks, that’s probably a sign you could use a little support.
Take a step back and look at the big picture
When you’re really going through it, you may feel like you are more of a problem than a pleasure to be around. As such, it can be easy to overlook what you bring to the table, says Dallas. But your relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. The people who are showing up for you aren’t going to like you less or disappear after they bring over a pan of frozen ziti. Yes, you may be the one in need of help right now, but one day they’ll need to lean on you.
This is not to say you should think about the exchange of goods and services transactionally — as in, They are helping me now and I will return the favor as soon as I am able. In fact, Dallas advises against that. Rather, remind yourself that this is how close, trusted long-term relationships work, says Dallas, and what connection and community are all about. And by trusting others to show up, you’re actually strengthening your ties, adds Peifer.
If you feel tender after receiving support, welcome to the club. It’s weird. Be kind to yourself, Dallas says, and consider planning a joyful activity you can look forward to after you get through whatever hard thing you’re dealing with. If you get it in your head that your friend feels burdened, consider telling them how vulnerable you feel, Dallas adds. This may also be a good time to let your people know how much you appreciate them. Write a thank-you card (my go-to move) or simply tell them you’re glad they’re in your life.
Other than that, know the crummy feelings will dissipate. Asking for help may never come naturally (I’m still waiting for that freeing moment!) but it also doesn’t have to be the most hellish thing you do when you’re already down and out.
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